Shrek Script
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Dedicated to: [man] The Overworld, the biggest sandbox in the universe, is full of epic tales. Millions and billions of them. Well, guess what? This one is all mine. [hawk screeches] My name is Steve. And as a child, I yearned for the mines. [growling] [Steve] But it didn't really work out. Go on! Get out of here! -Mommy! -[Steve] So, I did a terrible thing. [miner] Go on! Shoo! -[Steve] I grew up. -[miner] Run! -[phones ringing] -[Steve] Yep, that's me. Same shirt, same pants. The only thing missing, was my soul. -What was I doing with my life? -[sighs heavily] I wasn't meant to sell doorknobs. And then one day, I remembered something! [cackles] [gasping] [Steve, singsong] That's right! The mines! So I geared up to dig deeper and find out what I'd been missing. And this time, I was unstoppable. [growling] -[yells] -[shouting] Head fake! Oh, yeah. Whoo-hoo-hoo! -My moment had finally come. -Yeah. I could just taste the adventure! So, I mined my brains out. Until I found two mysterious artifacts. This thingy. -And that cool thingy. -Ohhh... And when I put those two thingies together... [energy pulsing] -...you guessed it. -[gasping] It opened a portal to another world. [echoing] The Overworld! [sheep bleating] [gasps] This place blew my mind. [yelping] I'd never seen anything like it. [bleating loudly] Whoa! Turns out it was the place I'd been looking for my whole life. A world where anything you can imagine, you can create! [exclaiming] This is my first house. Bam! -My second house. -Pshh! And my third house, made entirely of sheep's wool. Pink house! Life was good. -[thumping on door] -[shrieking] Except at night, which happens about every 20 minutes. [zombies moaning] It was times like these I wished I had a friend. [wolf howling] And then I heard it. The howl of companionship. [growling] Actually, it was a wolf that wanted to eat me. So I tamed him with a crusty femur bone. -Maybe a bone, huh? -Yeah. -Hoo-hoo! -[friendly yelp] Attaboy... -[barks] -...Dennis. He like a scratchy-scratch on the nariz. Dennis, yeah. Dennis and I were inseparable. -[barks] -We did everything together. [Steve whoops] -[Dennis barking] -We built endless masterpieces. The more I built, the better I got. [Steve] Dennis, check it out! ♪ Welcome to Steve's ♪ Ohh! Yeah! ♪ I feel alive ♪ Lucky for me, pandas love to party. And cows. ♪ I feel alive ♪ -Life was perfect. -[barking playfully] And the years simply flew by. -[low rumbling] -[wind hissing] -[Dennis barking] -[gasping] Until one day, I came across -some strange ruins. -[Dennis whimpers] And a conveniently placed chest. Ha-hah! Flint and steel. Whoa! [joyful shout] [barks] Dennis! No, Dennis. -[echoing shouts] -[loud rumbling] [Steve] Turns out we'd just opened a portal to a totally new dimension. [pigs grunting, squealing] The Nether. There was no joy or creativity at all. [pig screeching] -Just a mindless lust for gold. -[Dennis howls] Dennis! These piglin brutes had mined this realm into oblivion, led by Malgosha, the evil piglin sorceress who ruled the place. Who are you, and why are you so round? Leave the dog! Take me instead. No, thanks. I'll take both of you. And that Orb. Let's get one thing straight. Where I come from, we call this a cube. Seize them! [Steve] Malgosha had finally got what she'd always wanted, -the Orb of Dominance. -[cackling] [Steve] The most powerful cube-shaped orb in the entire universe. Listen up, you pigs! With this Orb, I will pillage the Overworld, and all its gold will be ours! [cackling] [Steve] I couldn't let this happen. The Overworld had saved me, and now I had to try to save it. We have to stop her, Dennis. So we escaped! And stole back the Orb! [warning horn blasting] [Malgosha] The Roundling got away! Find him and bring me that Orb! Hurry, Dennis. Take this to Earth. Follow my scent to 149 Holly Oak Drive. You got that, boy? -[affirmative growl] -Good boy. You're the last hope for this world. -Now, run! Go, boy! -[Dennis barking] Run, fluff nugget! You got this, Dennis, I love you! Run! Get off of me! [barks] [Steve] Dennis was a hero that day. He ran like the wind. I didn't know if I'd ever see him again, but we had a world to save. -[flesh sizzling] -[squealing in pain] [Steve] So he ran all the way back to my house on Earth and hid the most powerful object in existence under my waterbed. As long as the Orb stays hidden, the Overworld will be safe. [howling] [Steve] Wait a second. Putting it under my waterbed's a horrible plan. ["When I'm Gone" by Dirty Honey playing] Yeah. [man on TV] In the late 1980s, Garrett Garrison took the gaming world by storm... [bell chiming] ...becoming the undisputed champion of the hit arcade game, Hunk City Rampage. Yeah! [man on TV] His mastery of this two player co-op shocked the world. His effective use of the garbage toss move earned him the nickname, "The Garbage Man." Pretty soon, he became the envy of the gaming world after landing a lucrative deal with Sizzler. -Yeah! -[game plays fanfare] Whoo! Yeah, baby! Garbage Man! [mimicking punches] Yeah, baby! [man on TV] One thing's for sure... [grunts] Yeah! -[people cheering] -...this kid had it all. -Yeah! -Time to take out the trash. Yeah! Mmm... Boo-rah! [bell chimes] Garrett "The Garbage Man" Garrison? No autographs. Have a nice day. -[door opens] -[bell chimes] [groans] [sighs] ["When I'm Gone" playing] [song ends] Whoo! Yeah! Super cool! [door shuts] Garrett "The Garbage Man." To what do we owe this pleasure? Pleasure? Think I come to storage auctions for fun? I'm a businessman, Daryl. An investor. Well, I'm about to shovel some coal into your choo-choo train. You're gonna love this next unit. It's got a waterbed. It's got some pickaxes. It's got a huge can of mixed nuts. It's got an array of unisex turquoise blouses. That sounds terrible. I think it's also got a 1978 Atari Cosmos. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1978 Atari Cosmos? That's what it says here. Those things are worth a frickin' fortune. Heck, yeah, they are. Bro, if you make this happen for me, I will strongly consider hanging out with you. -You serious, bro? -Yep. Two big buffaloes like us out there, in the wild, wearing unisex turquoise blouses. Oh, boy, that's gonna cause a commotion. The ladies aren't gonna know what-- Listen, if you could keep the hammer price under a hundy, I'll make all your weird fanboy dreams come true. Okay? Two loose cannons, wearing turquoise blouses. Yeah. Let's do it. [Daryl] And we got 500 dollars, 500 dollars over here. We got 500 dollars. We got six, do we have six? Do we have 600 dollars? We got 600 dollars over here. I'll go over here, 700 dollars, we got 700 dollars. We got 700 dollars here. We got 800 dollars over here. -[sighs] -We got 850. Do we hear 850? Do we-- 850 over here. Do we hear any more? Do we hear 900? 900? Nine hundred, going once, 900 going twice. And 900 going three times. And sold to hometown hero, Garrett "The Garbage Man" Garrison, for 900 dollars. [Garrett] I wouldn't cash that for about six months. What? [whoops] Come to papa! Cosmos! Whoo! [blows] [orb chiming softly] [Garrett] Daryl? Where is it? I'm sorry. I didn't check the box. -Whoa, whoa, whoa... -[Garrett] Where's the Atari? -Whoa! -There's no Atari in here! That does not mean you can trash this unit! [Garret grunts loudly] I'm up against it, man, I'm-- [panting] Oh, no. My store. My wrists aren't what they used to be. I just... [panting] I need a win, man. I need... I need a win. When are you gonna stop looking for treasure inside a storage unit... and recognize that the real treasure... ...is inside your heart? [sighs deeply] [Daryl] Let's roll, everyone. This man has no respect for the storage community. Daryl. ["I Remember You" by Skid Row playing] Oh, man. [chiming softly] [shouting along with music] [radiator pops] Oh, no! Oh, man! What the frick? [screaming] Look, Chuglass was not my first choice either, but it was Mom's dying wish for us to live here. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. Yeah, I read something online. This place sucks. Anyways, rent is super low, and I've got a full-time gig here, so it's not really an offer we can turn down right now. [boy] Yeah, I get it. Look, I think you're really gonna like it here. What's going on with that dude? [screaming and sobbing] [girl] Oh, my gosh, Henry, we're in Chuglass. Say hi to Chuggy the Chip. [girl] All right. This is the new neighborhood. [Henry] When was this house built? [laughing] It's so nice to meet you. Yeah, nice to meet you. Uh, your new bosses sent you this. Oh... Yeah, people love working at the potato chip factory. Yeah, well, I'm, uh, I'm running their socials for a little bit. I said I'd get their follower count past 75. Nice! You must be Henry. Nice to meet you. I'm Dawn. Hi. Why is there an alpaca hanging out of your car? [Dawn] Well, real estate's not my only hustle. I also do some mobile zoo stuff on the side. Anyhoo, I gotta run. Call me if you need anything. Also... I'm really sorry about your mom. It's really brave what you're doing. I hope you know that. Thank you. -[alpaca braying loudly] -Chill out, man. I'm coming. Golly! [sighs] [Natalie] Henry, breakfast is ready. [Henry] I'm coming. Check it out. I made you Mom's signature Tater Tot breakfast pizza. So you can hand out slices on your first day. I thought you wanted me to seem normal. I do. I'm just trying to help you out. I got you some body spray. Signature scents are huge here. [Henry] Velvet Mischief? You're gonna want to spray it and then walk into it. Don't be too direct. It's really powerful. -Okay. -Love you. Love you, too. [sniffs] Smells like banana bread and poo. [bell chimes] [exhales] [orb chiming softly] [Henry] Your store's really cool. Yeah, I know. Looking for anything in particular? Nah, just checking some stuff out. Non-committal. Classic loser mentality. I can help. I'm starting a mentorship program for people who want to win at the game of life. -Fifty bucks an hour. -Cool. How do you actually win at life? [scoffs] That's literally the answer I charge money for. Tots. What's with the breakfast pizza? My sister made it. I'm supposed to hand out slices at school to make friends. A little desperate for day one, don't you think? I also notice that you're wearing Velvet Mischief. It's a wonderful cologne. And I strongly believe that every young man should have his own signature scent. [sniffs] I didn't think I applied very much. Listen, I'm gonna give you a hot Garbage tip. Friendship is like a puzzle. Sometimes you think you need lots of pieces to be cool. And sometimes it's just one piece to be cool. And people will be like, "That's not a puzzle, that's a picture." And they have a right to speak, too. Any questions? Yeah. Quite a few, actually. Listen, kid. The point is, there's no "I" in team. But there are two in winning. Okay, well, I gotta go to school. Whatever, nerd. Just leave the pizza. [class bell ringing] [woman] All right. Let's put this nametag on. Uh, why does it have an exclamation point? [chuckles] Oh, Henry, we're just so thrilled to have you. You know, you're the first student to enroll here, ever since that article came out about the school rankings. Anyway, I'm Vice Principal Marlene, and I'm an open book. You probably heard that my husband, Clemente, recently divorced me. And to be honest, I expected it to hurt more than it does. You know, the fire went out on our marriage 20 years ago, but we stuck it out for the dogs. Okay, let's get you to your first class. [class bell ringing] [teacher] Good morning. Just a little something about myself. I teach gym, I teach art. Financially, I'm living in a nightmare, okay? I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. Last year, I claimed 4,000 dollars on my tax return. So in the summer, I do clams and oysters down by the airport. But most of my money is tied up in a drone kiosk at the mall. Okay, today we're gonna do a still life. One orange, one banana. Let's get after it, people. ["Change Song" by Dayglow playing] [teacher] What is this? Don't you know what a still life is? It means you just draw the thing. Do the assignment next time. -[book thuds] -[class giggling] That jetpack would never work. It's kind of foolproof, actually. It's just math. My dad said math has been debunked. Check it out. New kid thinks he's a rocket scientist. [laughter] I'd love to be a rocket scientist. So prove it. [song resumes] [song ends] [students cheering, laughing] [whistle blows nearby] All right. Count us down, guys. [all] Five, four, three, two, one! [kids exclaiming] Okay, so I know that we're all very excited about the new rebrand, but I don't think you should call your party bags, "Salt Sacks." -[jetpack roaring, whistling] -[all exclaiming] -[loud booming] -[people shouting] -[loud, metallic creaking] -[panting] Chuggy! Oh, no! [car alarms ringing in distance] I was never here, okay? Well, the good news is nobody died. I'm sorry, okay? It was an accident. This could be grounds for expulsion, Henry. I need you to call your guardian. [sighs] [line ringing] [Garrett] Game Over World. Hey, uh, Mr. Garbage Man, it's Henry. The kid with the Tater Tot breakfast pizza? [Garrett] Oh, yeah. -[fly buzzing fitfully] -I have a weird favor to ask. Uh, could you come to my school and pretend to be my uncle? No way. I don't do that stuff anymore. I have 26 bucks. ["We Gotta Party" by Jag Team playing] -[tires screeching] -[motor revving] Hi, I'm Henry's uncle. You? The Trash Bag? It's actually "Garbage Man." Garbage Man, huh? You can bag me up and take me to the curb anytime. But you gotta bungee the lid 'cause I got a lot of raccoons in there. Whoever divorced you is a complete idiot. [motor rumbles] [tires screeching] [song ends] [Henry] I just don't get it. It should have worked. The math is right. But I probably just cost my sister her job. Oh, wow. You're super creative. Hey, since you're going to juvie, you mind if I get this flyer back? Paper don't grow on trees, and.. not really allowed in Kinko's anymore. Well, you can have my book, too. 'Cause I'm done with it. So what's this stupid junk? Who cares? Probably some new age bullcrap. I could let it go for like 950. I wonder what it does. Hey. Instructions. "Never, under any circumstances, combine the Orb and Crystal." [chortles] [energy thrumming] [Garrett] Uh, wait... "Do not follow this Orb, even if you're a struggling business owner and need a ton of cash fast because there's loads of treasure down here." [stammering] Hey, dude. Dude? It feels like it wants to go somewhere. -[energy pulsing loudly] -[Garrett] What? -[goats bleating] -[Dawn grunts] I'm sorry. I tried everything. I didn't know who else to call. No, it's okay. What's going on? Henry's missing. I tried the school. I tried his phone a million times. He's not answering. He was supposed to be home hours ago. I thought he'd still be in detention for blowing up Chuggy The Chip. -That was him? -Give me your phone. Oh, my gosh. Oh, I can't believe this. We're here for one day, and he's already the town villain. -[phone chimes] -Got him! He's fine. He's just playing in an abandoned mineshaft. -[alpaca shrieks nearby] -What? Come on. I'll drive. You can feed Mr. Scribbles this busted carrot if you wanna keep that pretty face of yours. -[Mr. Scribbles gurgling] -[Dawn] Hop in. Okay. [Garrett] You go first. I'll cover your six. [Henry] Yeah, yeah. I got you. [Garrett] Danger. Whatever. [panting] [whimpering] [Henry] Whoa. [Garrett] Whoa. -[Natalie] Henry! -Oh, gosh! What are you doing down here? -Who's this guy? -He's my new mentor. Who, me? Oh. [Natalie] I'm sorry. What? Hey, guys! Guys! -[orb chiming, pulsing] -It's pulling me, guys. -[groans, yells] -Whoa! Oh, Henry! [groaning] [all shouting] Henry, let go of that thing! [Henry yelling] [grunts] [groans] [yelling, grunting] [groans] [screams, grunts] [yells] [both grunt] Oh, man, my butt. My butt. -[Dawn groaning] -[Natalie grunts] [sighs] [Garrett] Yep. We're not in Idaho anymore. I think this is Wyoming. Wait, who are you again? Garrett "The Garbage Man" Garrison. Gamer of the Year, 1989. Whatever. I barely think about it. [sheep bleating] What the heck? [bleating] [Garrett] Oooh. If that's what I think it is, it could be our first quest giver. [retches] I'll do the talking. [Garrett] All right, yeah! -[Natalie] Henry! -[Dawn] Yeah, Henry! Come on back here. [Natalie] What are you doing? Hmm. Hmmm... Huh-huh. Uh-huh... [roaring] [piglins snorting, grunting] [Malgosha] Listen up, you swine! [piglin squeals] [Malgosha] If you can't find more gold, I'll just send you to the Overworld to zombify. [leaping grunt] [piglin babbling quietly] [Malgosha] You! What are you making? Come closer. It's all right. Come on. I'm not gonna bite you. [whimpering fearfully] Oh! How pretty. But how will that help me find more gold? [squeaks] Oops. Huh? What? Well, looky what we have here. [curious grunts] [cackling] Our time has come. [seething] [metallic clinking] [blowing] [Malgosha] Roundling! Malgosha! Was I unclear when I said no one was to waste time on art or leisure? -[guard squeaks] -[Steve yelps] -[gasps] -The Orb has returned. It can't be. Dennis? You stole it from me, and now you will retrieve it. It would be a privilege, my liege. We're going to unbind you now. Don't do anything stupid. [scoffs] Of course not. You can trust this little dungeon pup. Let me just-- Sneak attack-- [gasps] Go ahead. Strike me down. My piglins will make a meal of your beautiful wolf. How do I know you're telling the truth? There's only one way to find out. The Orb for your little dog's life. [piglin guards guffawing] [tense grunt] Hah-rr... Huh. -[Dennis barks] -Hrr... -Hm? -[barking] Mm-hm. [bleats] Hola, wise Quest Giver. We humbly seek gold. Give us a quest that will lead us to your treasure load. Garbage Man, I work in the animal field, and I am telling you, that thing doesn't understand a word you're saying. Shh... -We're talking. -[sheep bleating] Sorry about that. What were you saying? Okay. Come on, Henry. We're going home. [howling] That feel quick to anyone else? [bleating] Yeah. All right, everyone. -Stay calm. -[panting] Relaje. Free Garbage tip. Fear is just weakness hijacking your body's cockpit. -[faint rattling] -What in the hell? And if that happens, you can say vaya con Dios to your body plane's navigation system. What? Yeah, Garbage Man isn't speaking English or español. [guttural chittering] [whimpering] What am I doing here? [skeletons shrieking] [screaming] [all shrieking] [Dawn] Run! [Henry] Garrett! I'm sorry! Dead dudes can't win Gamer of the Year! [yelps, grunts] [repeatedly grunting] [defeated moan] [all screaming] [yelping] [skeletons shrieking] [all continue screaming] [grunting] -[gasps] -Henry! [Henry] Whoa! [zombies groaning] -[Natalie] Oh! -Yo! We got a zombie problem! We need to go right now! [Natalie] Henry, come on! [Dawn] It's not a good time to stop. Henry! Hurry up! [chuckles] [Garrett screaming] [grunting] -[skeletons clatter menacingly] -[yelling] [Henry grunting] How's he doing that? I don't know, but it might work. [Natalie] This way! Faster! [Dawn] You got this. -Go, Henry! -Don't slow down, boy. Don't you slow down! You can do this! [Natalie] Keep going, Henry! Come on, come on! Quickly! Faster, faster, faster! Come on! [hissing] [thudding] [sinister hissing] [sparking softly] [squeaky chirp] [Garrett inhaling tensely] -[yelps] -[squeaky chittering] [booming thuds] [squeaking] Oh, my gosh. I'm so sor-- [shrieks, grunts] [coughing groan] -[zombies moaning] -[sheep bleating] [sheep screaming] [screaming] Henry! Help me, please! Henry! Garrett! Garrett, over here! [Henry] Garrett! [Natalie] What are you doing? They're right behind you! -Up here! -[Henry] Garrett, over here! [Dawn] Oh, no! That can't be good! You idiot. Run! -[Dawn] Watch out! -[Natalie] Hit it and run! [shrieking] Open the door! -[zombies growl] -[all screaming] Hai! Go away! -[yelling] -[zombie groans] [Dawn] Come on! Let's push that booger-looking box-head! [Henry yelling] Oh, man. Oh, boy! Oh! You're movi-- Oh! Hank! Oh, man. Oh, man, no! [high-pitched screaming] -[muffled yell] -[both grunt] [Garret groans] -[Henry grunting] -[zombies growling] [creeper hissing] [both yelling] [screaming] [all shrieking] [all crying, whimpering, screaming] [screaming stops] [zombie gurgles, groans] ["Lil Boo Thang" by Paul Russell playing] [Garrett shrieks] [Steve yells] [grunting aggressively] Whooo! [yells] [all whimper] [grunting] Kyaa! Hyaa! -[yells] -[gurgling gasp] Ha-hah! Taste it! -[arm splats] -[blows] -[fist rattles] -Skyy-ah! -Sneak attack! -[both grunt explosively] [Garrett yelps] [zombie growls] Uh-oh... [zombie flesh sizzling] -[grunts] -[zombies wailing] Huh? [Steve cackles] [zombies howling] -Ha-hah! -[song ends] [Dawn exhales] Who are you? I... ...am Steve. [cow moos in distance] Who are you people? Where's Dennis? Dennis? Who's-- We don't know any Dennis. Then how'd you get that? Hey. Relaje, muchacho. This is my property. Do you even know what that is? It's the Orb of Dominance. It's a cube. Okay. [exasperated shout] You people seriously have no idea what you're dealing with. Hand it over and no one gets hurt. No way! Okay, we need this thing to get home. I hate to take a big, fat dumparoo on your plans, but you can't get home. W-W-Wait. What do you mean we can't get home? Not without the Earth Crystal. You mean that little boxy thing? Garbage Man busted it. Nuh-uh. Listen, Henry, why don't you hold this? You got those good Frodo vibes, kid. I got Frodo vibes. Are you implying that we're stuck here? Yes! Unless you get the Earth Crystal. It's your only way home. There's only one way you could ever replace it, at the Woodland Mansion, but going there would get you all k*lled! Well, so would staying here. Fair enough. Listen, I can get you home, but then you gotta give me that Orb. So, what are you gonna do with it? None of your concern! So, what do you say? Do we have a deal? He did just k*ll, like, 20 zombies. Pfft! More like 15, but okay. All right, Steve. Under two conditions. One, always address me, because I'm the leader. Two, if you double-cross us... [mimics punching noise] ...I will crack your cabeza with my butt cheeks like a walnut. [sighing] This guy is such a toolbag. -[Dawn] I'm so sorry. -[grunts] We just met this man, and he's not the leader. Hmm! Well, it looks like Dr. Swollenstein here just got himself a deal. [manly grunts] Ooh. [menacing grunt] Oh, my God. [Steve] All right. First we need to load up on some gear, or we're all gonna die. Let's go to Midport Village. This guy's lost his mind. [Steve] Move out! [horn blaring] -Harr. -[horn honks] [horn blowing] Hurrr... -Mm-hm! -[horn blares] [prolonged scream, groan] -Hrrr... -[Marlene] Oh, no. Not again. -[groans] -[Marlene] Oh! I am so sorry. Oh, my God. Are you all right? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you all right? Your head is huge. Harr... You're not gonna sue me, are you? Because everyone wants to sue me once I hit them with my Jeep Grand Cherokee. -Hurr. -Oh, my. How about this? What if I just take you to dinner? Would you like to go to dinner? Huh. [Steve] Here it is. Midport Village. I got a secret stash of elite loot that'll help us survive the Woodland Mansion. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are these guys? Oh, these dudes? They're the villagers. They're total pacifists and vegetarians. You don't bug them, they won't bug you. They just like to chill, trade, and eat buttloads of bread. They love crushing loaf. So they built all this? [Steve] Yeah, most of it. But the good stuff you see, that's all Steve. Whoa. Is he some kind of king? [Steve] No. That's a legend. Kid, anything you can dream about here, you can make. Zero limits. You know what I'm talking about. -That was your tower, right? -Yeah. Pretty k*ller for a first build. -[metallic growling] -[screams] Relax. It's just an Iron Golem. Local security force. [metallic grunt] But they're a bunch of big softies! [metallic scoff] Unless you start messing with the villagers. Don't ever do that! This place makes no sense. [Steve] Come with me! [Garrett] Yo, I need protein, like, pronto. [Steve] I got just the place, buddy. [chickens squawking] [Steve] Hello, there. Whoo-hoo! Oh, dude, I got goose pimples just walking up on it. You ever wonder what happens when you mix hot lava and chicken? I did, and you're about to find out. [scoffs] Uh-oh! -[bell chimes] -[squawks] -[sizzling] -Mm? You hear that? That's the sound of sizzle-een. -[chuckles] -[Steve] Mm-hm. -Smell that smell. -[jangly beat playing] ♪ La-la-la-lava ♪ ♪ Ch-ch-ch-chicken ♪ ♪ Steve's Lava Chicken Yeah, it's tasty as hell ♪ ♪ Ooh, mamacita Now you're ringing the bell ♪ ♪ Crispy and juicy Now you're having a snack ♪ ♪ Ooh, super spicy It's a lava attack! ♪ [bell dings] [sizzling] I have a small business, too. But one thing I try to do is not have my jingle suck butt. -[sizzling] -[yelping] [snorts, spits] Friggin' loser. -[gibbers, gasping] -Pass the bird, turkey. I'm not a little wimp like big Steve here. I crave heat. And I crave pain. Garrett, wait! Hear my words. That chicken was just cooked in hot lava. Let it cool down, man. Mm-hm. [snorts] [growls] Not bad. [mouth sizzling] [whimpers] Garbage Man... you're a big-time idiot. [piglins grunting, squealing] [Malgosha] What is it? -[oinking urgently] -[Malgosha] What? [angry grunt] General Chungus! Get over here. [snarling] [fearful chattering] [ferocious roar] [coughing] Hey, Malgosha. What's going on? Your old dungeon buddy, Steve, has betrayed us. Well, that's a bummer. The Orb is with four Roundlings. My spies tell me he has taken them to his lava chicken shack. No way. I love that place. ♪ La-la-la-lava Ch-ch-ch-chicken ♪ Shut up! Take your finest warriors, bring me that Orb, and k*ll the Roundlings. So, like, you want me to end his life or whatever? Are you serious? What do you think I'm talking about? Okay. I was just kinda confused there for a second. Take this Nether wart so you don't zombify. Your Majesty, I don't think this is gonna be enough to go around. Deal with it! No worries. All right. Drink up, guys. You don't wanna zombify up there. But just tiny sips, okay? Harr... Okay, so, how do we find this Woodland Mansion thing? Over the mountains, into the dark forest, right beyond the massive red shrooms. -Massive red shrooms? -Mm-hm. Big old red ones. We need to find a real map, Steve. This place is dangerous, and I need to get my brother out of here. Well, it seems like he's having a pretty good time. Look, your brother has a gift. You know that, right? You should let him explore it. Creativity in this world is key to survival. Okay, well, in the real world, things are a little bit different. Creative kids get picked last for gym, they sit at the bummer lunch table and they get bullied. [chuckles] Don't I know it. Do you even realize what he did back home? He blew up Chuggy The Chip! Well, maybe I belong in this world. Henry, that's not what I meant. That's not what I was saying at all. [sighs] [Garrett] Just so you know, I'm more of a sister to Hank than you'll ever be. Yeah. [sighs] Spin kick. [groans] -You okay? -Fine. Look, I found one of these big-headed-looking dudes that sells maps. Looks legit. Come on. [Steve] Welcome to the stash. TNT. Firework rockets. Also good for propulsion. Boots of Swiftness. Diamond armor, full set. And blades for days. Everything we'll need to make it to Woodland Mansion. Whoa. Bogus layout, bro. Look but don't touch. Those are some of my favorite treasures. Hrr. [hinges creaking] What's this junk? That is an Ender Pearl. Teleports you to wherever you throw it. -Yeah, right. -No! [yells, gasping] Oh, God. What the... And that was the only one I had. No biggie. Almost died fighting an Enderman for it. Come with me. This is a crafting table. Here's how it works. You place these elements in different patterns, and kaboom! You got yourself a sweet blade. [metallic ringing] [Garrett] You wanna see a blade? I'll show you a blade. -Yeah! -[objects clattering] Hammer. Kadoosh! Ahh... [wheezing cough] That's okay, bud. Buckets are useful here. Yeah. They're cool, Garrett. They're like nunchucks. Yeah, I know. That's why I made them. They're... Buck-Chuckets. Uh... they're what? Hey, can I try something else? Abso-rootin'-tootly. Bro, you had Tots the whole time? Yeah. Sorry. [Steve] Ohh! It's a Tot Launcher. Dude, you just took boring junk from the real world to create something amazing. That is next-level. [Garrett] Hank? Can I play with your Tot Launcher when you're done? -Yeah. -Sweet. Hey, Steve. Can I talk to you for a second? Sure thing. [launcher powers up] [axe clanging] What's up? You know that note you left with the Orb? The one about the riches? I read it. Yeah. There's riches everywhere. I keep a fat stash of diamonds at the Redstone Mines. So this treasure load, is it on the way to this Mansion place? Not really. It's a major detour. Plus, the mines can be perilous. Let me keep it simple for you, Steve. No diamonds, no Orb. You smell what I'm steppin' in? Hurr... Good day. Huh... We need a map to the Woodland Mansion. Uhhrr-uhr? [clears throat] We just need a map. [distant growling] Uh-oh. -Nat? -Dawn? Something's going down. [piglins vocalizing] [surprised gurgle] [piglins thundering] Huh. [Chungus] All right, guys, just start trashing their produce. Villagers hate that. -[footsteps thudding] -[piglins howling] [all shouting, wailing] [all roaring] [guttural roar] [both gasp] [shocked yelp] [screaming] [both yell] Who are these guys? Piglins. They must be after the Orb. [all grunting] Hey, Steve. What's going on, dude? Crap! Chungus. I'm really sorry, but I have to un-alive you and stuff. [yells sharply] Malgosha double-crossed me. We just need that Orb thingy. You know this guy? Yeah, we used to get into some dungeon stuff. He seems nice, but he's a k*ller! Wow, you look good, Bro-Hammer. You lose some weight? Stand back, boys. This pig is mine. No. I'm tired of you getting all the glory. This pig is mine. [curious grunt] [bucket clangs] Steve! [groans, grunts] [yelling] [shrieks] [tot launcher powers up] -We have to get to Henry. -Yeah. Do you think we could take these guys? [both shriek] [heavy grunts] [Natalie] Come on, let's do this! [Dawn] Yeah, we got this! ["Zero to Hero" by Benee playing] [grunts] [belly rumbling] [Natalie grunts] [Dawn yelps] [groans] Hai! Nice moves, bro. -[attacking shriek] -[Chungus] Sorry. [Garrett grunts, groans] [Natalie yelling] [Dawn] Yes! [screams] [groaning] [Chungus] The party's over, bud. Just give me the Orb. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something! What? [Chungus] Whoa! Thanks, big guy. Ninja roll! [pained groan] What happened? I just saved your butt, that's what happened. You can thank me later. We gotta get to the rampart. Follow me! [villagers shouting] [panting] [slow motion] Henry! Nat, we have to go now. Dawn, I cannot leave him. He's my entire family. He needs you alive, okay? We'll meet him back at the Woodland Mansion. We gotta go find the map guy! Come on! [Steve] Follow me! -Garrett, what about Natalie? -We'll meet her at the Mansion. [piglins growling] [Steve] Come on, run! [all panting, gasping] -Whoa! -[Henry] Whoa. [Garrett] Oh, great. Now what? -Fr-r-rah! -[metallic clang] Elytra Wingsuits! -Ska-tah! Ska-tah! -[Garret grunts] Whoa! Head for those mountains. I thought we're going to the Woodland Mansion. Hank, don't talk back to your elders. -But-- -Buh-bye. [screaming] Those things work, right? Absolutely. [screaming] [exclaims] Whoo-hoo! Check it out. I'm flying! Yeah! [laughs] -[gasps] -Buenos días. Which means, "See you later." [screaming] No! I thought I grabbed three! Wait for me! Coming in hot! ["Private Idaho" by The B-52's playing] [Steve cackles] [Garrett] No! No way, dude! Let go of my hair! Just relax. Let my hips guide you. It's the only way. What? [sobbing] [piglins screeching] Hank! We'll have a better chance if we split up! -What? -Ki-yai! [Henry screaming] [all squealing] [yelling] Get off me! Get off me! [Henry screaming] [Steve] Yee-hah! [screeching] Yeah! Hoo-hoo! [laughing] [all yelling] We got hog riders at our three o'clock! [grunting] [Garrett] I got you, buddy! -They got us boxed in! -[Garrett wailing] Head for the tunnel! [Garrett] We're not gonna fit! We're too chunky! We're gonna have to go nose-to-toes. Full man sandwich. What? No. I'm not gonna do that! I'm ordering you to make a full man sandwich! Okay! [both yelling] [babbling, yelling] [Garrett whoops] Yeah! [whooping] [Steve] Dang it! A lava bucket! -Okay. Tighten up! -What? There's still some negative space back there! We both know it! I'm trying to close the gaps! Okay, now get ready. I'm gonna squeeze for your safety. I understand. [yells] -Whoo-hoo! -[roaring] Yeah! [laughing] Yeah! Whoo-hoo! [piglins squealing] [yelling] Get off me! [piglin squeals] [belching] [Henry yelling] Henry! [Garrett] Oh, crap. [all yelling] [grunts] [sneezes] [all yelling] Don't worry! I'm gonna cushion our fall with this water bucket. Release! [all exclaiming] You can really fight, Nat. You were kicking butt. Thanks! I have no idea where it came from. There he is! Hey! Get back here! We need a map! First, we need a boat. Okay, okay, uh... Okay, hurry. The map guy's floating away! [Natalie grunting] Boat magic! Hah-haah! Nat, that's the worst boat I've ever seen. I'm sorry. I have no idea what I'm doing. Forget it. Let's go, come on! ["Could This Be Love?" by Bret McKenzie playing] [Marlene laughing] Oh. Oh... Hrrr. [laughing] No, thank you. Of course. You know, I gotta tell you, I'm having a great time. Huh. I, uh... I recently got divorced from my husband, Clemente, and.. and the main reason is, you know, he... didn't have any personality, you know? I mean, not like you. Uh-huhh... [laughs, shudders] [Garrett] You got some talking to do, buddy. Hank and I want some answers. Like how are we gonna stop those pigs? And why does my beard smell like gorgonzola? Yeah, and who's that evil sorceress -you were talking about? -Look! The sorceress is a piglin queen called Malgosha. Those are her minions. She rules over them in a dark hellscape called the Nether. And I always keep a chunk of gorgonzola in my front pocket, okay? Listen! Malgosha's path to darkness started the way these things often do... during the semi-finals of The Nether's Got Talent. [dance music playing] Young Malgosha always dreamed of being a world-class dancer. [Malgosha grunting] Her moves were pretty out there. No one in the Nether was ready for it. [all guffawing] [Steve] It crushed her. What'd I tell you about all that dancing? It's time for you to grow up. I'm tired of you chasing your dreams. Now, take this axe and go find some gold. That was such embarrassing dancing! [Steve] So, from that day forward, she denounced all forms of creativity. If she ever gets that Orb, she'll black out the sun. Nether wart will flourish. This beautiful world and everything in it will wither and die. And you were gonna give it to her? Great idea! I'm not gonna give it to her. But I need that Orb for leverage. I gotta save Dennis. Come. [animals lowing and bleating] The Woodland Mansion is just beyond the Redstone Mountains. We can go over or through. Whatever's fastest. Through will be faster. [piglins grunting, snorting] General Chungus, you have failed me for the last time. Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. [growls] Bring out the beast! -[piglin grunting] -What? What do you mean you just have to put the brain in? Well, yes, it's a big deal. Get it done! Look, everybody knows it wasn't my best day. But I'm really trying to set some new goals, and-- [hog howling] [Malgosha cackles] [roaring] The Great Hog. My ultimate w*apon. There he is! k*ll him! Wait, does this mean you're firing me? -[sizzling] -[Malgosha laughs] Well done. Now, find the Roundlings and bring me the Orb! [guttural howl] [wolf howls] [Natalie] We are so lost. [grunts loudly] -[grunts] -[groaning] My one job was to protect Henry, and I blew it. [zombie moans] I just promised my mom I'd never let anything happen to him. I guess I'm just not cut out for this parenting stuff. [sighing] I just wish I could have been a kid for a little bit longer, you know? Just to have that feeling like I could have done anything. I hear you. Being a grown-up sucks. [grunts] You got all these responsibilities, and you just stop chasing your dreams. [both grunting] You think I like having 15 hustles? [wolf growling] [Dawn gasps] [snarling] [Natalie yells] Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up. Let's just calm down. I think this one just needs some TLC. Yeah? You like bones? Oh, I bet you like bones. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. [gasps, laughs] Aren't you a beautiful one? -Yes, you are! Yes, you are! -[panting] I cannot believe you just did that. Wait. [Dennis whining] Dennis? -Steve's Dennis? -[barks] Well, can you take us to him? [barking] -[whimpers] -[Dawn, laughs] Oh! Nat, I think this might be our way to the Woodland Mansion. [Dawn shrieks] Let's follow that pooch! Son of a biscuit, we found it. [hooting laughter] Looky, looky here. Welcome to the Redstone Mines. You see that glowy stuff? That's redstone. Conducts energy. You can build some crazy contraptions with it. I thought you said this was a diamond mine. Easy, big dog. They're here, but be careful. I set some booby traps a long time ago. But I can't for the life of me remember where they are-- [machinery whirs] [whimpers] [screaming] Get them off me! Help me, please! -Sorry! -[screaming] Hah! Here it is! Thanks, Garrett. -[Garrett groans] -Yeah. [chortles] Yes! My diamonds. [Garrett] Ooh! That's what I'm talkin' about. Steve delivers the goodies! Did you guys plan this? I'm sorry, Henry. [Garrett] Whoo! Yeah! I'm not. Oh, yeah. -What the heck, man? -Oh, relax. Natalie could be at the Mansion already. She could be in danger! [gagging] Oh, no. Do you smell that? Nether wart. What does that mean? [heavy thudding] [w*apon powering up, firing] No! The Great Hog! She finally put the brain in. Run for the minecarts! [shrieking] [grunting] Hit it, Henry, hit it! Go! [all yelling] If memory serves, I built a kick-a*s safe room just up ahead. [Steve] Whoo! Dang it, my torch blew out. [Henry] Why are we stopping? [Steve] 'Cause we ran out of redstone! We're gonna need a boost fast. -[sparking, hissing] -[Garrett] What's that sound? [Steve] Chill out, Gar-Gar. We're totally safe. Crap! My creeper farm. [Garrett] What the--? You gotta be kidding me! What kind of idiot would breed these things? -[The Great Hog bellowing] -[yelps] [Garrett yelling] -Up ahead, look! -[Garrett squeaks] [Steve] We gotta get to the redstone rail! [Henry] Garrett, you got us into this mess! Get out and push! Okay. Okay. [growling] Go, Garrett! Go faster! We're not gonna make it! Come on! Come on, Garrett, you gotta go faster! Start slapping, Hank! Get outta here! Yeah! Get-- -Garrett, get in! -[Henry yelps] [Steve] He's right behind us! [both screaming] [Steve] I love you, Dennis! [all screaming] [Garrett] Whoo-hoo! Yeah! [Steve] Nice work, Gar-Gar. Your little detour almost got us k*lled. Relaje, you're so dramatic. We're still alive. What's your problem, man? We didn't need those stupid diamonds. I swear, you are literally the most selfish person I've ever met. Whatever. I need them, okay? I need the diamonds, because I need the money, because I'm broke. You wouldn't know anything about that. My life sucks, kid. All right? I'm a frickin' loser. There, I said it. I know it looks like I got it all put together, right? I'm smart, funny, bilingual. El humble to un el faultot. But that's not the reality. I'm not doing well. I'm washed up, Hank, and I'm gonna lose everything. And that's not the worst part. I'm alone. You weren't alone. I was your friend. Sorry about your finances. Shut up, Steve. [Marlene] Wow. I feel like you get me, and you're an incredible listener. And only people with emotional intelligence are good listeners. You know, I just didn't think it was in the cards that I would have another first date, ever, you know? Hm. I wanna have the guts to invite you over to my house for dessert. Huh. Uh-huh. Are you finished? No, I think he's Swedish. But we're done with our meal. There it is. The Woodland Mansion. We're gonna get in there, get the Earth Crystal and get you guys home. Follow me! Check this out. Let's do this. Pay close attention to Papa Steve. The Woodland Mansion has three floors. The first floor is loaded with Vindicators. Axe murderers, basically. Why is the third floor on the first floor? I'm very confused. [Steve] I was trying to make three floors, but I didn't have time to make, like, a doll house. The second floor crawls with Evokers. They wield powerful dark magic. This is the worst model I've ever seen. Garrett, stop talking. We're trying to figure out a plan. Bro, how long are you gonna be mad at me for? I just got mad at you. Please don't be mad at me for this, okay? But I accidentally stole the Orb while you were crafting. Are we cool now? You are literally the worst person in the entire world. Guys! Both of you, eyes on my demonstraysh! Third floor houses the Loot Chamber. That's where the Earth Crystal is, but it's guarded by Endermen. Whatever you do, do not look them in the eye. They'll fry your brains out. Okay, well I could build stairs to the second floor, sneak in through the window, and snag the Earth Crystal. That's a great idea, Hank. But to pull it off, we're gonna need a pretty sweet diversion. You know what could work on these guys? It sounds crazy. Hit me. [funky beat playing] ♪ Friendship is The wish you make ♪ ♪ When you're blowing out The candles ♪ ♪ On your birthday cake ♪ ♪ Don't be a bully And don't be a brute ♪ -♪ Time to put on ♪ -[both] ♪ Your birthday suit ♪ [Steve] ♪ Go Hank, go While we blow! ♪ -[vindicator growling] -[horn blowing] [music continues, muffled] [grunting] [vindicators growling] [yelling] [both yelling] [panting] [growling] [vindicators snarling] You gotta be kidding me. [crowd murmuring] [Steve] You got this, Gar-Gar. Reach down deep. You're the Chuglass Kid, and I love ya! What's going on, Steve? It's some kind of sadistic Vindicator fight club. I've heard of these, but I've never seen one. They want me to fight the chicken? [squawks] It's a fight to the death, kid. [vindicators cheering] [squawking] [loud clanking] [machinery rattling, creaking] [gleeful cackling] -[squawks] -Mmmm... -[snarls] -[shrieks] Chicken jockey. -[snarls] -[yelps] [grunts] [all cheering] [Steve] Watch out! [both yelling] Keep him away from your face! -[grunting] -[slapping] [Steve] Chuck him! -[grunts] -Whoa! [squawks] [screams] [slowed grunt] -[attacking scream] -[yelps] [grunts] [sizzling] -[grunting] -[chicken jockey squealing] [sighing] Finally. [spectral growling] [hissing screech] -[both grunt heavily] -[vindicators cheering] [chicken jockey screeching] [shrieks] [ululating] [expl*sive grunt] [squawks] [crying] I'm sorry, little buddy. Don't fall for it, Gar-Gar! That baby's got the heart of a demon! No, you're not a demon, are ya? You're a cute little booger-face. I'm just gonna... pet your little head. [screams] [all cheer] [ghastly groaning] [echoing] You'll never be as cool as me, Hank. Just give up. [echoing] The Overworld doesn't need you, Henry. -Neither do I. -[Garrett, distorted] Give up. [echoing] This is all your fault, Henry. Everything you do fails. This stuff? It's trash, kid. [hissing stops] What the...? [yells, grunting] -[groaning] -[Steve shouting] Garrett! No! [growling] [Steve] I'm coming! Hang on! [yells] Sneak attack! [hollering] [vindicators groan] [chicken jockey crying] [grunting] [orb humming] [grunting] Heck yeah. I got you, Gar-Gar. -Come on. -[groans] You... You saved my life. That's what friends do, Garrett. [Henry yelling] [thud] Hank! Did you get the Earth Crystal? Yeah, I got it. Let's get outta this hellhole. [all yelling] [Steve] Come on! Run! [Henry huffing] [roaring] [Malgosha] I knew I'd find you dummies here. Oh, no. It's her! [Malgosha] Of course it's me, you fool. I've been tracking your scent from two biomes away. Check it out. I even built me a new Hog. [roaring] Malgosha! Your reign is over! You're wrong. It's just beginning. -[grunts] -[gasps] [Henry] No! Hah! No! k*ll them. We have work to do. Goodbye, Steve! [cackling] -[piglins screeching] -[Garrett whimpers] [Steve] No! They're gonna blow this bridge sky high! -Sorry, Hank. -What? [Garrett yells] [screaming] Yeah! Slime cube. [grunts, hollers] Come on, Garrett, jump! I can't, Steve. Get him outta here! Go, Hank! Save your sister and get home! Garrett, you don't have to do this! Tell my story in song. Keep it metal. Keep it heavy. Real instruments. Besides... I love luaus. Spin kick. [roaring] [high battle cry] Garbage toss! Oh, crap! [Steve shouts] [Henry] No! [both yelling] We're going down! Brace for impact! [both yelling] [grunting] [Steve chuckles] -Dennis? -[whines] -Dennis! -[Dawn laughing] It's you! It's really you! [laughing] Gimme... [babbling affectionately] Oh! How'd you find me? He's one heck of a wolf. He led us right to you guys. Now I understand why you kept yourself so filthy and smelly, so Dennis could find you one day. Is he okay? He's fine. He's just resting. Good. It was a pretty rough crash landing. Wait a minute. Where are we? -[Dawn laughing] -Whoa! I wish Garbage Man was here to see this. He would've loved your mushroom hut. Yeah, I think so, too. [voice shaking] I was so afraid that I lost you. I was so afraid that I lost you, too. I am really sorry about what I said. And I'm really sorry about Garrett. [ghast shrieking] [Malgosha] I'm only gonna say this once. This thingy goes on top of that thingy. Got it, Travis? It's gonna make a real cool laser beam that'll darken-- [shrieking] [Malgosha, growls] Never mind. [deep rumbling] -[zombies moaning] -[bones rattling] [chattering] [all grumbling, growling] [Steve] No. No! The Great Darkening! It's begun. Malgosha's gathering all her forces. She will destroy this land. Unless... we go get that Orb. Well, what're we doing here? Let's go fight some pigs. I'm ready. I'm done with those pigs. Yeah, me too. Let's do it for Gar-Gar. First we mine, then we craft. Let's Minecraft! -[grunts] One, two, three. -Team! -Get the Orb! -Orb! What are you saying? -Minecraft. -We should all say that. On three. One-- Forget it. There's no time! [Steve] Show us what you got, Henry. [Henry] Okay. I got a plan. [Steve] k*ller recipes. We're gonna have to move fast. Let's get to work! [Henry] First we're gonna need some iron ingots. [sizzling] [grunts] Oh, yeah! [Henry] And the boots of Swiftness. [Dawn] Time to light this place up. -[bones rattling] -Come on, boys. Have a nice flight! Yeah, man! Whoo! I bet you do. I bet you do! [Henry] We're also gonna need a ton of diamonds. [grunting] [Steve] Show me what you got, Nat. Whoa! Yeah! [Natalie] You want some, buddy? [excited chatter] We're ready. Let's go save the Overworld! [piglins roaring] [Malgosha cackling] All right, my piggies. Today, we take the Overworld as ours! [all roaring] Attack their villages. Burn their homes and their symmetrical farms. All they have created, we destroy! [all roaring] Well, what are you standing around for? Get out of here! Go on, bring me the gold! [Natalie grunting] -[Iron grunting] -[Natalie] Hurry, Henry! [heavy metallic grunting] [thudding, metallic footfalls] Uh? Hah! News flash! Iron Golems will not attack unless provoked. [cackles] -[hollow clang] -[arrow clatters] [exasperated groan] Real smooth, Travis! [high-pitched whistling] [piglins screeching] You ready? Let's do this. [Natalie grunting] [Malgosha] Oh, for goodness' sake! Well, what are you doing, you big block of meat? Get down there and take care of those Roundlings! [growling] [cackling] [roaring] How do you like them pork chops? [growling] Come on! [hooting laughter] [gasps] Huh? Okay, Goshe. Let's dance. Bring it on. [yells] [snarls] Sneak attack! [grunts] Hah! [grunts] [grunts] Ooh! [yells] My diamond armor! Egg attack! Hyah! -Frizz! -[Malgosha growls] What is this, breakfast? [grunts] -[chickens clucking] -[grunts] Get off of me! [Natalie] Hurry! The Orb's up there! -[thud] -[agonized groan] Do it, Henry. I got this. [gasps] Go, Henry, go! [The Great Hog snarling] [bellowing] [sharp whistle] [Dawn] Hey, Captain Butt Crack! I got something for you. [guffawing] Get him, Dennis. -[wolves howling] -[Dawn laughing] Whoo! Take a bite outta that pig! Finish this, Henry! [grunts] [roaring] [cannon powering up] [screaming] -Henry! -No! [both grunting] No! [screaming] Whoo-hooo! [grunting] Gotcha, kid! -[shrieking] Yes! -Yes! [laughing] Yes! Garrett, you're alive! Yeah! [affectionate grunt] Between us, I used Steve's water bucket trick. Pretty cool, huh? Little bit. Let's get this Orb and go home. [Natalie] Yes! Yes, go, Henry! All right, Hank. It's fireball time. Grab that spear. I want you to jab it in the tentacles. -Yeah. -[ghast screeching] [Garrett] Whoo! Jab it! [Garrett] Yeah! How'd you learn how to do that? Don't ask. [Garrett] Whoo! Yeah! [groaning in pain] [joyful shrieking] [Malgosha] No! What have you done? The Orb! [cackling] [thudding footsteps] [orb humming] [Natalie] Yes! [laughs] It's good to see you, Garbage Man. [Garrett] Yeah, it is. [Steve] Parry! Thrust! [breath rasping] You failed, witch. The Overworld lives on. You, too, have fallen for the great lie. You'll never be happy. Deep down, you know. To hope, to dream, to create is to suffer. You're right. It is harder to create than to destroy. That's why cowards tend to choose the deuce. [derisive grunt] Later, Goshe. Every minute knowing you has been a horror-show waste of time. Wait, one more thing. Come closer. Do you have a little knife that you're gonna try to s*ab me with? No, no. I'm too weak. [rasping sigh] All right. Yah! Come on! It was worth a shot. Wait, wait. Let me say one more thing. -Come closer. -No way! No, really, it's about you. [sighing] Fine. Lean down here. [grunts weakly] You really are the worst. Goodbye. This is it, really. Come back. I don't even have a knife. Where would I keep it? Sneak attack. [groans] [piglin whimpers] Hey! You sure you wanna go back, Henry? It won't feel like this. There you got constraints, judgments, obstacles. [Henry] Yeah, I know. But I'm gonna go make stuff anyway. [Steve] I like that. Mmm. You're a brave kid. Steve. You still cool with this? [playful whine] Yeah. Come here, boy. Yeah. Of course I still love you. That's why I think this is a good idea. -You changed my life. -[whimpers] It's time for you to go change hers, too. ♪ Go now, Dennis ♪ ♪ Change Dawn's life, Dennis ♪ ♪ Go on a journey ♪ ♪ And think of me, Dennis ♪ ♪ Go now, legendary Wolf of my dreams ♪ ♪ My doggie, doggie, doggie ♪ ♪ My Dennis ♪ [howling melodically] [sobbing] [emotional growl] [voice breaking] If I would have known you could sing like that, it would have helped me get past your smell. Garrett... you are a truly bodacious warrior... and a really good friend. I wish you'd come home with us. Hank's cool, but I don't have any friends my age. We would make a great team. Vaya con Dios. It means "Goodbye, brother." No, it doesn't. Don't look at her. It does. No, it does not. Yeah, it does. Are you sure you don't want to come back? Yeah, I'm staying here. I got a bunch more stuff I wanna build. Why don't you bring some of that magic to the real world? Screw it, I'm coming with. [giggling] [Steve] Turns out, if you're brave enough, you can make the real world... ...your Overworld. Garrett finally leveled up. And his store became the hot spot! [indistinct chatter] Together, we all joined forces to create the new hit game, Block City Battle Buddies. [male game voice] Block City Battle Buddies! Yeah, we're still in the beta phase, working out a few bugs. But let me tell ya, life... -[rock riff playing] -...is pretty perfect. ♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪ [all cheering] ♪ I used to wake up and play Back in my childhood days ♪ ♪ Gettin' older's Such a dirty shame ♪ ♪ They never gave me a chance To let my imagination dance ♪ ♪ 'Til I came up With a different game ♪ ♪ Down in the mines All of the time ♪ [all] ♪ Crafting ♪ [Steve] ♪ Out in the sun Havin' some fun ♪ [all] ♪ Laughing ♪ ♪ I'm never, ever Lookin' back, 'cause ♪ [all] ♪ I feel alive ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ [Steve] Dawn finally got to ditch her real estate job. [Dawn] Have fun! [Steve] She and Dennis brought the party wherever they went. [Dennis barks] [Steve] Natalie decided to share her new skill set with the real world. Survival Mode Self-Defense. And now he's going to-- [grunting] [groans] [Steve] The streets of Chuglass have never been safer. You get 'em, Natalie! And Henry? He finally got that jetpack to work. [students chattering, cheering] ♪ I feel alive ♪ ♪ I move mountains With my mind ♪ [class bell ringing] ♪ I feel the high ♪ ♪ Like a new moon on the rise ♪ ♪ I feel alive ♪ ♪ Like a redstone overdrive ♪ ♪ I feel the high ♪ ♪ With the power Of the wolf inside ♪ ♪ I feel alive ♪ ♪ Yeah! ♪ ["Zero to Hero" by Benee playing] I know how much you love bread. -Mm-hm. -[door opens] [woman] Marlene, your ex-husband's here. He said it was an emergency. Well, you tell him I've got nothing to say to him. You gotta be kidding me, Marlene. This is the guy? Too late, Clemente. You had your chance. [in rich British accent] She's right, Clemente. You totally blew it. And now I reap the rewards of your mistake. You see, when Marlene's Jeep Grand Cherokee ran me over, I was struck by a love so powerful, it transcended the barriers of conventional speech. Now I speak Human, and she speaks Villager. [speaking villager] [speaking English] Marlene, ever since we met last night, I wanted to say, "Would you marry me?" Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! ["Zero to Hero" continues] [song ends] [knocking on door] Hi, sorry to bug. I just-- I used to live here, and-- I'm Steve. Oh, is this about that chest in the attic? Ho-ho, yeah! I'm so glad that's still around. Hey, you want to come in? I'm Alex, by the way. Alex, great to meetch.
Supporting Push For Better Foundation
The Push For Better Foundation raises awareness and engages people in mental health through connection, education and health and wellbeing. We #pushforbetter.
My Challenge History
Pushuperer for 1 year
| Push-Ups | Funds | |
|---|---|---|
| 2025 | 1,607 | $0 |
| Total | 1,607 | $0 |
My Push-Up Progress
Part of Team Push ups Push ups (Year 9)
Part of Community Redlands
