Narangba Valley State High School

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In June, our Community is taking part in The Push-Up Challenge. We are going to help shine the spotlight on the number of lives lost to suicide in 2022 and raise awareness of mental health. You can create a team in this Community, join a team or support someone who is taking part. Help us push for better mental health.

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Barry B. Benson

Bee Movie Script According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that. Special thanks to SergeiK

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$5

Pi

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$5

Avatar Movie Script

AVATAR Written by James Cameron THE SOUND OF DRUMS, from a great distance, growing louder. FADE IN: WE ARE FLYING through mist, a dimly glimpsed forest below. VOICE (V.O.) When I was lying there in the VA hospital, with a big hole blown through the middle of my life, I started having these dreams of flying. We are very low over the forest now, gliding fast, the drums BUILDING to a PEAK -- VOICE (V.O.) Sooner or later though, you always have to wake up... CUT TO: EXT. CITY - NIGHT A SCREECH OF BRAKES as a vehicle WIPES FRAME, revealing -- JAKE SULLY, a scarred and scruffy combat vet, sitting in a beat up carbon-fiber wheelchair. At 22, his eyes are hardened by the wisdom and wariness of one who has endured pain beyond his years. Jake stares upward at the levels of the city. MAGLEV TRAINS WHOOSH overhead on elevated tracks, against a sky of garish advertizing. JAKE (V.O.) They can fix a spinal, if you've got the money. But not on vet benefits, not in this economy. The traffic light changes and Jake pushes forward with the crowd, pumping the wheels of his chair. Most of the people wear FILTER MASKS to protect them from the toxic air. In a LONG LENS STACK it is a marching torrent of anonymous, isolated souls. INT. JAKE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The room is a tiny CUBICLE, prison cell meets 747 bathroom. Narrow cot, wall-screen droning away in the B.G. -- PERKY NEWSCASTER The Bengal tiger, extinct for over a century, is making a comeback. These cloned tiger cubs at the Beijing Zoo are... 2. Jake laboriously pulls his pants off -- rocking to one side, pushing the fabric down past his hip, then rocking to the other, and so on. His legs are white and atrophied. Utterly useless. But his arms are tattooed and powerfully muscled. A "Born Loser" tattoo prominent on his shoulder. JAKE (V.O.) I became a Marine for the hardship. To be hammered on the anvil of life. I told myself I could pass any test a man can pass. Jake struggles with his pants a long time. CUT TO: INT. ROWDY BAR -- NIGHT Not the kind of place you'd bring your mom. We find Jake near the pool table, BALANCING his chair, front wheels off the ground, while holding a tequila shot on his forehead. ONLOOKERS, including some other disabled vets, CLAP and WHOOP. Jake grabs the glass, SLAMS down the shot as they cheer. A WALL-SIZED SCREEN filled with the World Cup game -- men RUNNING on antelope legs. CU JAKE, watching what he can't have. Expression stony. JAKE (V.O.) Let's get it straight up front. I don't want your pity. I know the world's a cold-ass bitch. Jake's eyes shift -- HIS POV, seeing the bar through gaps in the crowd. A MAN on a barstool SLAPS the WOMAN he's with. Hard. She cowers but he's got her arm, shouting, raising his fist. An eternal tableau. People look away. CU JAKE -- not looking away. JAKE (V.O.) You want a fair deal, you're on the wrong planet. The strong prey on the weak. TIGHT ON JAKE'S HAND as he starts pushing the wheel of his chair. TRACKING WITH HIM as he rolls forward. 3. JAKE (V.O.) It's just the way things are. And nobody does a damn thing. Jake stops, unnoticed, next to the bullying man. He leans down and grabs one leg of the man's barstool -- and YANKS. The chair flips. The guy goes down HARD and -- JAKE hurls himself from the wheelchair, toppling on the guy, getting a grip on him like a pit bull and PUNCHING the crap out of him, right there on the floor. THE BOUNCER jumps in, trying to drag him off and it goes into SLOW MOTION, everybody yelling and pulling... JAKE (V.O.) All I ever wanted in my sorry-ass life was a single thing worth fighting for. CUT TO: EXT. ALLEY BEHIND BAR -- NIGHT THE BOUNCER hurls Jake out the door, sending him SPRAWLING on the pavement. A moment later, his chair CRASHES down on him, banging across the alley, landing in the trash. Jake struggles to rise on one elbow. He's bleeding and bruised, but still crazed and ready to fight. JAKE I hope you realize you've just lost a customer! He collapses onto his back, panting. JAKE (to himself) Candy ass bitch. He stares upwards at the levels of the city. MAGTRAINS ROAR overhead. It starts to RAIN. He just lies there, blinking -- then shouts jauntily to no one in particular -- JAKE If it ain't rainin' we ain't trainin'! CAMERA PULLS BACK high and wide, as Jake lies spread-eagled amongst the trash, getting drenched. TWO LONG SHADOWS enter FRAME, coming to rest across him. 4. Jake sees two pairs of SHINY SHOES stop next to him. He squints up at -- TWO MEN. Matching suits. Their features unremarkable and blandly threatening in the way of FBI agents and auditors. AGENT 1 Are you Jake Sully? JAKE Step off. You're ruinin' my good mood. AGENT 2 It's about your brother. CUT TO: INT. MUNICIPAL CREMATORIUM - NIGHT DOWN-ANGLE on a large rectangular cardboard box. HANDS ENTER FRAME, pulling open the top to reveal a DEAD MAN'S FACE. He looks EXACTLY like a clean-shaven version of Jake. His IDENTICAL TWIN -- TOMMY. JAKE (V.O.) The strong prey on the weak. A guy with a knife took all Tommy would ever be, for the paper in his wallet. WIDER, showing Jake and the two agents in a high tech CREMATORIUM -- a row of stainless steel furnaces. Jake stares down at his own face. JAKE Jesus, Tommy. JAKE (V.O.) The Suits' concern was touching. AGENT 1 Your brother represented a significant investment. We'd like to talk to you about taking over his contract. The ATTENDANT closes the box and seals it with a tape dispenser, like it's a package for shipping. The cardboard coffin is rolled into the furnace. JAKE (V.O.) The egghead and the jarhead. Tommy was the scientist, not me. He was the one who wanted to get shot light years out into space to find the answers. 5. PUSHING IN ON JAKE as he watches, bathed in orange light. JAKE (V.O.) Me -- I was just another dumb grunt gettin' sent someplace I was gonna regret. INSIDE THE FURNACE the burners quickly eat away the cardboard; TOMMY'S FACE is, for a moment, wreathed in flame but not touched by it, as we -- DISSOLVE TO: JAKE'S FACE, in icy darkness. CLOSE ON his eyes -- they OPEN suddenly, and he takes a sharp breath. JAKE'S POV -- the inside of a metal coffin. A SERVO WHINE and we are moving, emerging into a large chamber -- INT. CRYO VAULT JAKE'S POV -- A TECH in medical scrubs FLOATS WEIGHTLESSLY toward us. Wherever we are, we're not on Earth. Jake squints as the lights flicker on, revealing -- WIDE SHOT -- the multi-tiered CRYO VAULT. Hundreds of CRYO- CAPSULES are opening like morgue drawers, as med techs pull themselves about in ZERO-G, tending to their patients. JAKE (a hoarse whisper) Are we there? MED TECH We're there, Sunshine. TIME CUT -- SCORES OF PEOPLE emerge from their cryo-capsules in ZERO-G. Pale spirits of the dead rising from rows of open coffins. The MED TECH floats among them, using his announcement voice. MED TECH People, you have been in cryo for five years, nine months and twenty two days. You will be hungry, you will be weak. If you feel nausea, please use the sacks provided for your convenience. The staff thanks you in advance. 6. FOLLOWING JAKE as he pushes away from his capsule, gliding to the LOCKERS across the aisle, his paralyzed legs not an impediment in weightlessness. CUT TO: EXT. SPACE Against the cold infinity of stars glides an INTERSTELLAR SPACECRAFT -- ISV VENTURE STAR. As it moves past like an endless train, we realize this thing is ENORMOUS -- over half a mile long. PAN WITH IT 180 to REVEAL -- A GAS-GIANT PLANET called POLYPHEMUS, ringed with dozens of moons which cast beauty-mark shadows on its vast face. The ISV diminishes away from us toward the largest MOON-- a blue and surprisingly Earth-like world called PANDORA. The ship dwindles to a speck against the BLUE MOON. CUT TO: EXT. PANDORA ORBIT ISV Venture Star drifts above a spectacular vista -- the sapphire seas and unfamiliar continents of Pandora. CLOSE ON ISV -- two massive "VALKYRIE" SHUTTLES are mated to a DOCKING NODE. One of them separates from the starship and moves away, its thrusters FIRING in short bursts. As the shuttle moves away, descending toward Pandora, we hear the sound of DRUMS, building, louder and louder until we-- CUT TO: EXT. RAINFOREST - TWILIGHT FLYING OVER A LANDSCAPE of massive cliffs and towering mesas carpeted in rainforest. Great scarves of cloud swirl around the mesa tops. A primeval landscape, vast and forbidding. The trees are alien, the color too cyan. There are waterfalls, rivers, and distant flocks of WINGED CREATURES. Suddenly the carpet of virgin rainforest gives way to -- AN OPEN-PIT MINE. A lifeless crater -- as if a giant cookie- cutter took a chunk out of the world. Down among the terraces are EXCAVATORS and TRUCKS the size of three story buildings. And beyond the mine is the HUMAN COLONY -- 7. EXT. HELL'S GATE - TWILIGHT HELL'S GATE is a cluster of squat concrete and steel structures surrounded by chain-link FENCE 10 meters high, topped with razor wire. At the corners are towers with automated SENTRY GUNS swiveling on servo mounts. Visible beyond the gun towers, the VALKYRIE SHUTTLE roars in across the treetops. VECTORING NOZZLES change angle, bringing the ship to a SLOW HOVER. EXT. RAIN FOREST - TWILIGHT Through a screen of jungle canopy, we see the VALKYRIE thunder overhead. Camera TILTS with it until leaves block the view. A BLUE INHUMAN HAND reaches INTO SHOT, parting the foliage to reveal the shuttle hover-taxiing across the compound. REVERSE -- ECU of two intense, cat-like golden EYES watching. INT./EXT. SHUTTLE The CREW CHIEF stomps down the aisle yelling -- CREW CHIEF Exopacks on! Passengers don their EXO-PACK breathing gear with practiced moves. Everybody except JAKE, who's turning his this way and that trying to figure out the straps. CREW CHIEF Remember people, you lose your mask you're unconscious in 20 seconds and you're dead in four minutes. Let's nobody be dead today, it looks bad on my report. The crew chief stops by Jake long enough to bark -- CREW CHIEF Exopack on, let's go! BENEATH THE SHUTTLE air blasts outward for a hundred meter radius as it settles onto its landing gear. INSIDE everybody is queued up in the aisles, with duffles ready. Rows of tense, expectant faces in breathing masks -- and we DIP DOWN to find Jake, wheelchair putting him at the level of everyone else's WAISTS. 8. THE CARGO RAMP OPENS with a hydraulic whine. CREW CHIEF Go directly into the base! Do not stop! Go straight inside! HAND-HELD, running with the arriving colonists who double time down the ramp. They jog across the exposed apron toward a walkway covered in CHAINLINK which leads to the complex. Inside the chain-link tunnel are a couple of SEC-OPS TROOPERS, CORPORAL LYLE WAINFLEET and PRIVATE FIKE. Sec-Ops is the colony's private security force. These guys are laid back, hardened, and haggard. WAINFLEET Look at all that new meat. THEIR POV -- Jake rolls down the ramp. FIKE Check it out, man. Meals on wheels. WAINFLEET That is just wrong. Jake, pumping his chair, looks around as -- A huge TRACTOR, taller than a house, ROARS past on muddy wheels. He notices something sticking in the tires -- ARROWS. The neolithic weapons are jarring amid all the advanced technology. Beyond the tractor, two VTOL vehicles take off. Armored and heavily armed, they are AT-99 "SCORPION" GUNSHIPS. MITSUBISHI MK-6 AMPSUITS -- human operated walking machines 4 meters tall -- patrol the perimeter. They are heavily armored, and armed with a huge rotary cannon called a GAU-90. Beyond the outer fence stands a black wall of forest hundreds of feet high. A SENTRY GUN OPENS FIRE from a tower. TRACERS light up the twilight. A shadowy SHAPE SHRIEKS and drops off the fence. It is an armed camp in a state of siege. WAINFLEET and Fike give Jake and his chair the hairy eyeball as he approaches. JAKE What're you two limpdicks starin' at? As Jake rolls past, SOMETHING SWOOPS down behind him and -- 9. K-KRASH! SMASHES against the chain-link right next to his head. A vicious AERIAL PREDATOR a meter across gnashes glass fangs against the steel. It STABS at him through the chain link with a tail ending in a glistening stiletto. A STINGBAT. WAINFLEET casually BLASTS IT with his PISTOL. It drops off the fence, tail still lashing. WAINFLEET Seen a lotta guys leave this place in a wheelchair. Never seen anybody show up in one. Jake stares at the gnashing fangs of the dying alien. ON A WALKWAY of the OPS CENTER, seen from above, a UNIFORMED FIGURE grips the railing, watching Jake pump his chair through the tunnel below. The hair is clipped short. The scalp is etched by long parallel SCARS where some Pandoran denizen's claws raked across it. The bare arms, below tightly rolled sleeves, seem hewn out of some hard tropical wood. Criss-crossed by scars. The MAN raises his masked face to look at the sky. He eyes are an icy steel gray. HIS POV -- the mighty POLYPHEMUS seems to fill the sky, beyond the clouds. MAN (V.O.) You are not in Kansas any more... CUT TO: INT. COMMISSARY - TWILIGHT THE MAN from the balcony -- COLONEL MILES QUARITCH -- is the HEAD OF SECURITY for the Hell's Gate colony. A hundred new arrivals watch raptly as he paces like a panther across the front of the large cafeteria. He stops, stance wide. Without his mask, we see that Quaritch's features are rugged and handsome, except for the SCAR, which runs from scalp to jaw down one side of his face. On one hip he carries a very large PISTOL. QUARITCH ... You are on Pandora, ladies and gentlemen. Respect that fact every second of every day. 10. JAKE ROLLS IN, watching from the back. COLONEL QUARITCH raises his hand and points out the window, toward the dark treeline. QUARITCH Out beyond that fence every living thing that crawls, flies or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubees. The room gets very quiet. QUARITCH We have an indigenous population of humanoids here called the Na'vi. They're fond of arrows dipped in a neurotoxin which can stop your heart in one minute. We operate -- we live -- at a constant threat condition yellow. PAN ACROSS the solid faces of miners, Cat-machine drivers, engineers, geologists, as they take that in. QUARITCH As head of security, it's my job to keep you alive. I will not succeed -- (pausing for effect) -- not with all of you. If you wish to survive, you need a strong mental attitude, you need to follow procedure... PUSH IN ON JAKE, watching as the briefing continues. JAKE (V.O.) Nothing like an old-school safety brief to put your mind at ease. CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR People are roaming in both directions, looking for rooms, lugging duffels and cases. An eager young XENOANTHROPOLOGIST, staggering under an overpacked duffel, runs to catch up to Jake. NORM Hey, you're Jake right? Tom's brother? You look just like him. (off Jake's wary look) Sorry, I'm Norm Spellman, I went through avatar training with him. 11. Norm offers his hand and Jake shakes it. NORM He was a great guy -- funny. It was a big shock to all of us. JAKE Yeah. Jake pumps the wheels of his chair, rolling on. Norm walks with him. NORM And duh! -- obviously you look like him. I mean, if you weren't genetically identical, you wouldn't be taking over his avatar. JAKE That's why I'm here. NORM So -- you want to go check it out? CUT TO: INT. BIO-LAB - DAY JAKE AND NORM enter the BIO-LAB -- a large lab complex with many adjoining rooms. MAX Me and Norm were out here to drive these remotely controlled bodies called avatars. They're grown from human DNA mixed with DNA from the natives here. A scientist, DOCTOR MAX CULLIMORE, is supervising the uncrating of two SHIPPING CONTAINERS. The nearer has the sides removed, revealing -- a ceiling-height acrylic TANK. Norm stops to stare, and Jake rolls past him as if drawn by some unseen force, toward -- THE AMNIO TANK. There is a FIGURE floating lanquidly inside, which looks like a man. A very large, very blue, man. Blood circulates through a synthetic UMBILICAL in the abdomen. As the figure turns in the amniotic fluid, we see that it has a lemur-like TAIL. The skin is cyan-blue. Long black hair drifts, graceful as seaweed. JAKE Damn. They got big. 12. NORM Yeah, they mature on the trip out. (to Max) So the proprioceptive sims worked pretty well. MAX Yeah, they've got great muscle tone. Give us a few hours, you guys can take them for a spin. THE FIGURE'S sleeping face turns toward us, and the features are -- despite feline ears and a long feral snout -- definitely JAKE'S. JAKE It looks like him. NORM No, it looks like you. This is your avatar now, Jake. ON JAKE, mesmerized as he stares into the tank. JAKE (V.O.) The idea is -- every driver is matched to his own avatar -- STEREOCAM VIDEO SHOT OF JAKE -- facing the camera, talking directly to the lens. JAKE'S VOICE-OVER up until now has been part of this VIDEOLOG. JAKE -- so their nervous systems are in tune. Or something. Which is why they offered me this gig, because I can link with Tommy's avatar, which was insanely expensive. (looking off camera) Is this right? I just say whatever in these videologs? WIDER, showing Norm working nearby with Max. NORM Yeah. You just need to get in the habit of documenting everything -- what you see, what you feel -- it's all part of the science. Good science starts with good observation. 13. JAKE Right. (to camera) So, whatever. Here I am. Doing science. (looks around) Never been in a lab before. MAX Log off. It's time to meet your boss for the next five years. He leads Jake and Norm through the short corridor to the -- CUT TO: INT. LINK ROOM - DUSK The LINK ROOM contains a dozen PSIONIC LINK UNITS, which look like coffins crossed with MRI scanners. NORM Grace Augustine is a legend. She's the head of the Avatar Program, and she wrote the book -- I mean literally wrote the book -- on Pandoran botany. MAX (low, over his shoulder) That's because she likes plants better than people. DR. GRACE AUGUSTINE sits up in her link, stretching and cracking her neck after a long session. She's fifty, with a strong face and fiercely intelligent eyes. GRACE (YELLING) Who's got my goddamn cigarette?! A TECH scurries to bring it to her, already lit. Around here they jump when Grace barks. Grace stands, scowling, as Jake, Norm and Max approach. MAX And here she is, Cinderella back from the ball. Grace, I'd like you to meet Norm Spellman and Ja -- GRACE Norm. I hear good things about you. How's your Na'vi? 14. NORM (Na'vi, subtitled) May the All Mother smile upon our first meeting. Grace nods approvingly, taking a drag on her cigarette. GRACE (SUBTITLED) Not bad. You sound a little formal. NORM (SUBTITLED) There is still much to learn. Jake waits while they ignore him, chattering in fluent Na'vi. MAX Uh, Grace, this is Jake S---- GRACE (turning to Jake) Yeah, yeah, I know who you are, and I don't need you. I need your brother. (to Max) You know -- the PhD who trained three years for this mission. JAKE He's dead. I know it's a big inconvenience to everyone. GRACE How much lab training have you had? Ever run a gas chromatograph? JAKE No. GRACE Any actual lab work at all? JAKE High school chemistry. But I ditched. Grace wheels on Max. GRACE You see? You see? They're pissing on us without even the courtesy of calling it rain. (turning away) I'm going to Selfridge. 15. She shoves past Jake. MAX Grace, that's not a good idea. But she's already out the door and clomping down the corridor. Max turns to Jake with a pained look. MAX Here, tomorrow, oh eight hundred. Try to use big words. CUT TO: INT. OPS CENTER - DUSK It looks like an air-traffic control tower, with lots of screens and bay windows showing the whole complex. ADMINISTRATOR PARKER SELFRIDGE takes a ball from a newly opened case of TITLEISTS and sets it on the floor. Selfridge is young, charismatic, focused. Some would say ruthless. He assumes the stance and lines up his putt, toward a practice cup across the control room floor. He glances up as Grace strides toward him. GRACE Parker, I used to think it was benign neglect, but now I see you're intentionally screwing us. SELFRIDGE Grace. You know I enjoy our little talks. GRACE I need a research assistant, not some jarhead dropout. Selfridge looks down and hits the ball. Grace kicks the practice cup aside, and the ball rolls past. Selfridge looks at her with a sigh. SELFRIDGE Actually, we got lucky with him. GRACE Lucky? How is this in any way lucky? As Selfridge saunters over to retrieve the ball -- 16. SELFRIDGE Well -- lucky your guy had a twin brother, and lucky the brother wasn't an oral hygienist or something. A Marine we can use. I'm assigning him to your team as security escort. GRACE The last thing I need is another trigger happy asshole out there! SELFRIDGE Look, you're supposed to be winning the hearts and minds of the natives. Isn't that the whole point of your little puppet show? If you look like them, if you talk like them, they'll trust you? Selfridge crosses to his office, behind a glass wall nearby. Grace follows. SELFRIDGE But after -- how many years? -- relations with the indigenous are only getting worse. GRACE That tends to happen when you use machine guns on them. On Selfridge's desk is a magnetic base, and hovering in mid- air, in the invisible field, is a lump of METALLIC ROCK. Pure UNOBTANIUM. He grabs it and holds it up between thumb and forefinger, in front of Grace's eyes. SELFRIDGE This is why we're here. Unobtanium. Because this little gray rock sells for twenty million a kilo. No other reason. This is what pays for the party. And it's what pays for your science. Comprendo? He places it back in the magnetic field. SELFRIDGE Those savages are threatening our whole operation. We're on the brink of war and you're supposed to be finding a diplomatic solution. So use what you've got and get me some results. CUT TO: 17. INT. LINK ROOM - DAY NEXT MORNING, GRACE, NORM and JAKE approach their link units. Jake glances through a PRESSURE WINDOW. In an adjoining chamber (the AMBIENT ROOM) JAKE'S AVATAR lies on a gurney, breathing slowly in PANDORAN AIR. NORM'S AVATAR is on a second gurney. Both are attended by med techs in exo-masks. Norm slips into his LINK CHAIR, expertly donning biometric sensors. GRACE How much link time have you logged? NORM Five hundred and twenty hours. Grace looks pointedly at Jake. JAKE Like -- an hour. GRACE Tell me you're joking. Grace opens the hood of Jake's link unit. Jake starts hauling himself across from his wheelchair. She reaches to help him but -- JAKE Don't! I got this. Grace steps back, hands raised. He drags himself into the unit. GRACE So you just figured you'd come out here to the most hostile environment known to man, with no training of any kind, and see how it went? What was going through your head? He meets her eyes with a defiant glare. JAKE Maybe I was just tired of doctors telling me what I couldn't do. Grace watches him laboriously pull his inert legs into the link chair by hand. 18. Jake settles into the warm fluid gel packs lining the unit. It seems to enfold him. Grace adjusts his biometric sensors, then lowers the UPPER CLAMSHELL -- GRACE Relax and let your mind go blank. That shouldn't be hard for you. JAKE Kiss the darkest part of my lily white -- But the SLAMMING HOOD muffles the rest. MAX Initiate link. The LINK TECH touches some controls. ON A LARGE MONITOR a 3D SCAN of Jake's brain appears. Regions of activity flow with complex shifting colors. MAX That's a gorgeous brain. Nice activity. GRACE Go figure. (walking away) Alright, I'm going in. TECH Phase-lock at forty percent. He's in transition. Max watches a display showing the avatar's nervous system aligning with Jake's -- two ghostly networks of light merging. MAX That's it. Find your way home. ECU JAKE, inside the link unit. His eyes move under the lids, like a dreamer in REM sleep as -- INSIDE JAKE'S MIND -- radiant streamers coalesce into a pulsing TUNNEL OF LIGHT and -- THE SCREEN FLARES WHITE -- ZZZWHAP! -- resolving into an overexposed, out-of-focus image -- two BLURRY FACES wearing masks, looking down. ECU JAKE'S AVATAR -- two very intense eyes FILL FRAME, the pupils contracting. Golden irises pulse with life. 19. MAX He's in. TECH Phase-lock ninety nine percent. The link is stable. Blinking, Jake slowly sits up on the gurney. He looks down at his AVATAR BODY, touching his chest with one hand. MAX Take it slow, Jake. We need to check your motor control. Try touching your fingertips together -- But Jake isn't listening. He's staring at his legs. He eases them off the gurney and -- HIS BLUE FEET touch the concrete floor, taking his weight. JAKE STANDS, feeling the strength in his legs. His expression is child-like with wonder. HIS POV -- looking down at the med techs, who seem the size of children next to his 9' tall frame. He sees something like a blue tentacle curl across his arm and he JERKS AROUND in alarm. HIS TAIL. As he turns to see it, the tail sweeps instruments off a table with a crash. Jake laughs and grins at Max. MED TECH Easy, Jake, I need you to sit down -- But Jake takes a step, then another. The wires to the bio- monitors pull taut, and he yanks them off his chest. MAX Jake! Wait, we have to run some tests -- But Jake pushes past the protesting med techs, toward the door and -- EXT. AVATAR COMPOUND - DAY Jake emerges, blinking in the morning sun. He finds himself in the AVATAR COMPOUND -- a living and training area. Nearby, a couple of AVATARS are playing one-on-one in front of a (non-regulation height) basketball net. Others go about their daily activities around the compound. 20. Jake flexes his legs -- JUMPS -- and lands a little unsteadily, but his expression is joyful. He takes a few steps and breaks into a RUN. People are calling to him, somehwere, but he doesn't hear them -- he's running. RUNNING! He finds himself in the COMPOUND GARDEN, and stops amid neatly tended rows of ALIEN PLANTS. He looks down, wiggling his toes in the warm soil. Then inhales deeply -- revelling in the alien smells -- earth, plants, the nearby forest. He looks at his bare footprint in the soil of an alien world. GRACE (O.S.) Hey Marine! Jake turns at the familiar voice to see -- A statuesque FEMALE AVATAR walking toward him. AVATAR GRACE is magnificent, with panther thighs, flat muscular stomach and firm athlete's breasts. She wears shorts and a T-shirt. In human years she would be about 35. JAKE Grace? GRACE Well who'd you expect, numbnuts? Think fast! She throws him a piece of Pandoran fruit, which he catches. GRACE Motor control is looking good. Jake bites into the fruit, the juice running down his chin. NORM (O.S.) Hey, check it out. Jake turns to see NORM'S AVATAR posing like a bodybuilder -- chest shot, back shot, bi's. NORM I am a living god. CUT TO: EXT. MINE PIT - DAY A WIDE SHOT of the terraced crater of the UNOBTANIUM MINE. A quiet beat, then -- 21. K-WHOOOOM! The entire face of one terrace is blown skyward in a chain of EXPLOSIONS. The "shot" blasts hundreds of tons of rock loose. LONG LENS ANGLES of enormous WHEEL-LOADERS shovelling up ore- rich rock and dropping it into DUMP TRUCKS. EXT. RAINFOREST - DAY A wall of steel FILLS FRAME. The DOZER BLADE crushes everything in its path, reducing trees to kindling. WIDER, showing the CLEAR-CUTTING operation near the mine, as a road is cut through the jungle. Remotely operated DOZERS three stories tall rip into the tree-line. One of the dozers has rotating SLASH-CUTTER, a vicious spinning head, mounted on a hydraulic arm, that hogs through the enormous tree trunks in a spray of wood-shrapnel. The heavy machines are escorted by AMPSUITS. COLONEL QUARITCH, on foot, leads a squad of troopers wearing breathing masks and carrying almighty big AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. A BANSHEE -- a fearsome aerial predator -- HURTLES from above, diving toward them on wings 3 meters across. We get a glimpse of glassy fangs before -- P-P-POOM! Quaritch cranks off three rapid SHOTS with his massive sidearm, and the creature drops with a SHRIEK. It crashes near them and Quaritch FIRES two more well placed rounds. The newbies stare at the thing's barracuda teeth. QUARITCH For you pogues, this is a banshee. A small one. See, they like it when I bring fresh meat out here. And this clearcutting really stirs up the hornet's nest. So keep your head on a swivel. If it moves, shoot it. If you're not sure it's moving -- shoot it! If it looks like a bunch of flowers you want to take home to Sally Rottencrotch -- SHOOT IT! What're you gonna do? TROOPERS Shoot it, sir! QUARITCH Outstanding. Let's roll. 22. Quaritch leads his squad into the gloom of the forest, his eyes scanning. Flanking the squad, LYLE WAINFLEET drives an AMPSUIT, his massive feet CRASHING through the underbrush. As his gaze comes down, he sees something ahead of him on the trail -- an intricate TOTEM of woven sticks, bones and feathers hanging across the trail like an orb-weaver's web. He tears it down with the barrel of his rifle, and stomps it into the mud as he moves on. INT. AVATAR LONGHOUSE - DUSK Jake sits on a wooden bed in a long hut of tropical-style construction -- beamed ceiling, open sides covered by screen. Around him the other avatars are bedding down for the night, pulling insect netting around their cots. In one hand, Jake holds the end of his long braided QUEUE of hair. CLOSE ON the queue -- the ends of the hair writhe slowly with their own life, like tendrils of a sea creature. JAKE That's kinda freaky. GRACE switches off the overheads. GRACE Lights out amigos. See ya' at dinner. Jake sits in the twilight, listening to the SCREECHES and HOOTS from the forest. Finally he lies down, CLOSING HIS EYES and -- INT. LINK ROOM - NIGHT ECU HUMAN JAKE -- his eyes OPEN. Jake blinks, disoriented, as Max opens the upper clamshell of his link unit. In the next chair Grace sits up, yawning and cracking her neck as the scared tech runs to her with a lit cigarette. GRACE (looking down) Damn. Same old sack a' bones. JAKE struggles with the dead weight of his legs as he hauls himself out of the unit. CUT TO 23. INT. COMMISSARY - EARLY MORNING JAKE sits with GRACE, NORM and the other avatar "drivers", while around them miners, troopers and other base personnel wolf their breakfasts. Grace is engaged in a heated conversation with another SCIENTIST. Jake, isolated from the conversations around him, notices -- PILOT TRUDY CHACON approaching, dressed in her flight suit. She's a rock-hard former Marine with thousands of flight hours out in the badlands. TRUDY Sully -- Colonel wants to see you in the Armor Bay. Jake gives Norm a puzzled glance and pivots from the table. He wheels away, led by Trudy. TIGHT ON GRACE, scowling as she watches him go. CUT TO: INT. ARMOR BAY - MORNING JAKE AND TRUDY enter the ARMOR BAY, passing TILT-ROTORS under repair. There are the heavily armed SCORPIONS as well as several SA-2 SAMSON work-horses outfitted with door guns and rocket pods. JAKE You guys're packing some heavy ordinance. TRUDY Yeah, `cause we're not the only thing flyin' around out there. Or the biggest. I'm gonna need you on a door gun, I'm a man short. JAKE Yeah, no problem. She extends her fist and he taps it with his. TRUDY See ya on the flight-line, zero nine. (she points) He's down there. Jake rolls his chair along the central gallery of the Armor Bay, passing rows of AMPSUITS standing in service racks. Techs clamber over the `suits, loading ordinance with cranes and lifts. 24. At the end of the row is a makeshift GYM area. QUARITCH is bench-pressing massive plates. QUARITCH This low gravity makes you soft. (pushing the last rep) You get soft, Pandora will shit you out dead with zero warning. Quaritch racks the bar and sits up, sweating but not winded. QUARITCH I pulled your record, Corporal. Venezuela -- that was some mean bush. Nothing like this here, though. You got heart kid, coming out here. JAKE I figured -- just another hellhole. Quaritch chuckles appreciatively, claps him on the shoulder. The CHIEF MECHANIC yells from the nearest AMPSUIT -- MECHANIC That servo's in, Colonel, if you want to try it. Quaritch crosses to the `suit, with Jake following. QUARITCH I was in First Recon a few years ahead of you. More than a few. Two tours in Nigeria, not a scratch. I come out here and -- He points to his scarred face. QUARITCH They could fix this if I rotated back. But you know what? I kinda like it. Reminds me every day what's out there. Besides, I can't leave -- He looks out, as if he can see through the wall to the tree- line. QUARITCH This is my war, here. Quaritch climbs the `suit and reaches into the cockpit, throwing some switches. The `suit's gas-turbine spools up with a rising WHINE. 25. QUARITCH The avatar program is a joke -- buncha limpdick scientists. But we have a unique opportunity here, you and I. A recon Marine in an avatar body could get me the intel I need, on the ground, right in the hostiles' camp. The WHINE is now a roaring WHOOSH as the `suit trembles with power. The air boils above the exhaust vents. Quaritch reaches in and operates the controls, flexing one huge hand. He nods to the waiting mechanic -- QUARITCH Looks good. (to Jake) I need you to learn about these savages, gain their trust. Find out how I can force their cooperation, or hit `em hard if they don't. Maybe you can keep some of my boys from going home like you. Or bagged-and-tagged. JAKE (NODDING) That sounds real good, Colonel. So -- am I still with Augustine? QUARITCH On paper. You walk like one of her science pukes, you quack like one, but you report to me. Can you do that for me? Jake nods. Quaritch brings the `suit to life. He steps forward and pivots smoothly. He balances the two ton machine on one foot while sweeping the arms in strong, graceful arcs. Jake realizes he is doing a WU-SHOO KATA. A flawless display of strength and control. He's impressive, and Jake is impressed. Quaritch is the kind of man he respects -- focused, hard. Determined. QUARITCH Look, son -- I take care of my own. Get me what I need, I'll see you get your legs back when you rotate home. Your real legs. He raises the `suit's hand, and slams the canopy shut like the visor of a helmet. Jake watches Quaritch walk past, huge feet CLANGING -- KUNG! KUNG! KUNG! 26. INT. BIO LAB - DAY GRACE is on the move, gulping coffee, in a hurry to get their FIRST SORTIE started. She hands a clipboard to MAX. GRACE Start calibrating. We're on the flight line in ten minutes. Max nods and jogs ahead toward the LINK ROOM. JAKE and NORM fall in with Grace as they enter the CONNECTING CORRIDOR. GRACE What did Atilla want? JAKE Just Marines comparin' tattoos. GRACE (not buying it) Yeah. Well, listen to me, Marine -- She stops, turning to drill him with a look. GRACE -- you're driving an avatar, now. That means you're in my world, got it? JAKE Got it. She turns and enters the LINK ROOM. INT. LINK ROOM Grace crosses to the controls of Jake's LINK UNIT. As the others catch up -- GRACE That son of a bitch has screwed up this program enough. All this -- (indicating link room) -- exists so we can go out there and build a bridge of trust to these people, who could teach us so much. But thanks to Quaritch and his thugs the Na'vi won't even talk to us anymore. JAKE Then how's this supposed to work? 27. GRACE We have a new face. (turning to Norm) You're fluent, you've studied the culture. You're non-threatening. The ones we know best -- the Omaticaya clan -- may give you a chance. Maybe you can get them back to the table before things go tits-up for good. NORM This is failing as a pep talk. Jake hauls himself across from wheelchair to link. JAKE How do we contact them? GRACE We don't. They contact us. If they see us taking our samples, treating the forest with respect -- (pointedly to Jake) Not trampling everything in sight -- they may reach out to us. JAKE Or they may skin us and make a drum. Jake lies back, lowering the sensor array over his body. GRACE Just keep your mouth shut and let Norm do the talking. She closes his clamshell, HARD, and we -- CUT TO: EXT. RAIN FOREST / AERIAL - DAY FLYING over a carpet of rainforest, past sheer cliffs and cloud-wreathed mesas. TRUDY'S SAMSON TILT-ROTOR chases its shadow across the treetops. Though big as a Blackhawk, it is tiny in the vast primeval landscape. ANGLE THROUGH the open side doors of the Samson. Trooper WAINFLEET, in exo-mask and body armor, leans on his door gun, scanning for aerial predators. In avatar form JAKE, GRACE and NORM watch the forest unrolling beneath them, the wind blasting their clothes. Jake mans the other door gun, his feet propped on the skids. 28. TRUDY flies from a pressurized cockpit. She banks to follow a shallow river. TRUDY (INTERCOM) Sturmbeest herd, one o'clock. Norm grins and points, excitedly. Jake looks in time to see-- A herd of STURMBEEST -- massive six-legged creatures reminiscent of buffalo -- thundering across the river. GRACE Looks like a bull, six cows and some juveniles. NORM The bull has the red on the dorsal armor? Grace nods approvingly. TIME CUT -- Hundreds of purple winged creatures take flight from a lake, startled by the Samson. They skim the water above their own reflections. TETRAPTERONS. TIME CUT -- the ground drops away as the Samson flies over a WATERFALL hundreds of feet high. Trudy banks hard, rolling in on the gorge below like it's a gun-run. Wainfleet WHOOPS while Norm looks like he's about to puke. WAINFLEET Yo Chacon! Get some! Jake grins into the airstream. CUT TO: EXT. CLEARING - DAY A small meadow among towering trees. The fern-like "grass" is beaten down in waves by the rotor-wash as the Samson settles to the ground. Jake pulls the massive door gun off its pintle mount and hefts it like an assault rifle. He and Wainf

$5

You wish it was Michael 😝😝😝

ENJOY RILEY 😜

$4

That Guy

Epic

$2

Massive Story

Title: The Push-Up King of Primetime Malcolm Hughes stood in the center of the town square, the afternoon sun glinting off his skin like golden armor. The annual Push-Up Challenge had returned, and no one — absolutely no one — was ready for what Malcolm was about to unleash. Clad in nothing but his gym shorts and confidence, Malcolm's massive, bulging muscles flexed like coiled steel cables. Sweat shimmered on his skin like he’d been carved out of marble and sprayed with a bottle of ambition. His biceps? Weapons-grade. His triceps? Could crush coconuts. His pecs? Basically small aircraft hangars. The crowd gathered, phones ready, jaws slack. The mayor had to remind people, “Please don’t faint until AFTER the challenge, folks.” Among the crowd were clusters of awestruck onlookers, mostly women, some fans of fitness, some just curious. Regardless of reason, they all shared one thing in common: admiration. Whispers rippled through the air. “Do you think he even sleeps or just planks for eight hours straight?” “I heard his protein shakes blend themselves out of respect.” “He once did a push-up... and the Earth blinked.” Then came Ninja. Ninja wasn’t there to compete, but to support. He had a sharp low taper fade so clean it looked like it had been edged with a lightsaber. As he approached, the sun glinted off his perfectly styled hair and the diamond sheen of his confident smirk. Malcolm gave him a nod. “Ninja.” “Malcolm.” Silence. Respect. The challenge began. Malcolm dropped down with perfect form. His body lowered — slow, controlled — and rose again with the grace of a hydraulic god. One push-up. Two. Then twenty. Then fifty. Then two hundred and six — each one cleaner than the last. Spectators gasped. One woman nearly dropped her latte. Somewhere, a bald eagle cried out in patriotic awe. As Malcolm crossed 300, the ground beneath him started to tremble slightly — or maybe that was just the intensity of his sheer masculinity rattling the cosmos. Ninja, watching from the sidelines, adjusted his fade with one hand and nodded in reverent approval. When Malcolm hit 500 push-ups without a single break, he casually looked up, gave a wink, and clapped in between two push-ups. A camera flash caught the glint of sweat arcing through the air in slow motion. Even the local gym's mascot — a very judgmental bulldog — barked in admiration. Malcolm finally stood, not even winded, muscles pumping like twin volcanoes ready to erupt. The women cheered. The men cheered. Somewhere, the gym mirrors cracked — not from weakness, but from knowing they could never reflect such glory again. He wiped his brow with a towel that instantly became a collectible item. And Ninja? He approached Malcolm with a grin. “Your meme,” Malcolm said, offering a fist bump, “is as massive as my traps.” Ninja nodded. “And your traps… are a meme now. Worldwide.” The two legends walked off into the sunset — one flexing, the other fading into stylish mystery — leaving behind a crowd that would talk of this day for generations. The massive ninja’s massive fade and Malcolm’s massive biceps vanished into the cavernous depths of John Pork’s massive belly, leaving the massive onlookers in massive disbelief. How could two such massive beings be contained inside one massive belly? It was a massive mystery, a massive paradox that would forever be etched into the massive lore of the massive city. Truly, this was a massive story about massive fades, massive muscles, and the massive belly that was too massive for anyone to comprehend.

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Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix book

Harry Potter AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX also by j. k. rowling Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Year One at Hogwarts Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Year Two at Hogwarts Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Year Three at Hogwarts Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Year Four at Hogwarts Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Year Five at Hogwarts Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Year Six at Hogwarts Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Year Seven at Hogwarts Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix BY J. K. Rowling ILLUSTRATIONS BY Mary GrandPré ARTHUR A. LEVINE BOOKS AN IMPRINT OF SCHOLASTIC Press. To Neil, Jessica, and David, who make my world magical. Text copyright © 2003 by J. K. Rowling Illustrations by Mary Grandpré copyright © 2003 by Warner Bros. harry potter, characters, names and related indicia are trademarks of and © Warner Bros. Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J. K. Rowling. All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Press, a division of Scholastic Inc., Publishers since 1920. scholastic, scholastic press, and the lantern logo are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the publisher. For information regarding permission, write to Scholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions Department, 557 Broadway, New York, NY 10012. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available Library of Congress Control Number: 2003102525 ISBN 0-439-35806-X 10 9 8 03 04 05 06 07 Printed in the U.S.A. 37 Second edition, August 2003 Contents ‘ vii ‘ ONE Dudley Demented · 1 TWO A Peck of Owls · 20 THREE The Advance Guard · 42 FOUR Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place · 59 FIVE The Order of the Phoenix · 79 SIX The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black · 98 SEVEN The Ministry of Magic · 121 EIGHT The Hearing · 137 ‘ viii ‘ NINE The Woes of Mrs. Weasley · 152 TEN Luna Lovegood · 179 ELEVEN The Sorting Hat’s New Song · 200 TWELVE Professor Umbridge · 221 THIRTEEN Detention with Dolores · 250 FOURTEEN Percy and Padfoot · 279 FIFTEEN The Hogwarts High Inquisitor · 306 SIXTEEN In the Hog’s Head · 330 SEVENTEEN Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four · 350 ‘ ix ‘ EIGHTEEN Dumbledore’s Army · 374 NINETEEN The Lion and the Serpent · 397 TWENTY Hagrid’s Tale · 420 TWENTY-ONE The Eye of the Snake · 441 TWENTY-TWO St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries · 466 TWENTY-Three Christmas on the Closed Ward · 492 TWENTY-FOUR Occlumency · 516 TWENTY-FIVE The Beetle at Bay · 543 TWENTY-SIX Seen and Unforeseen · 570 ‘ x ‘ TWENTY-SEVEN The Centaur and the Sneak · 599 TWENTY-EIGHT Snape’s Worst Memory · 624 TWENTY-NINE Career Advice · 651 THIRTY Grawp · 676 THIRTY-ONE O.W.L.s · 703 THIRTY-TWO Out of the Fire · 729 THIRTY-THREE Fight and Flight · 751 THIRTY-FOUR The Department of Mysteries · 764 THIRTY-FIVE Beyond the Veil · 781 ‘ xi ‘ THIRTY-SIX The Only One He Ever Feared · 807 THIRTY-SEVEN The Lost Prophecy · 820 THIRTY-EIGHT The Second War Begins · 845 Harry Potter And the Order OF Phoenix C H A P T E R O N E ‘ 1 ‘ DUDLEY DEMENTED he hottest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square houses of Privet Drive. Cars that were usually gleaming stood dusty in their drives and lawns that were once emerald green lay parched and yellowing; the use of hosepipes had been banned due to drought. Deprived of their usual car-washing and lawn-mowing pursuits, the inhabitants of Privet Drive had retreated into the shade of their cool houses, windows thrown wide in the hope of tempting in a nonexistent breeze. The only person left outdoors was a teenage boy who was lying flat on his back in a flower bed outside number four. He was a skinny, black-haired, bespectacled boy who had the pinched, slightly unhealthy look of someone who has grown a lot in a short space of time. His jeans were torn and dirty, his T-shirt baggy and faded, and the soles of his trainers were peeling away from the uppers. Harry Potter’s appearance did not endear him to the neighbors, who were the sort of people who thought scruffiness ought to be punishable by law, but as he had hidden himself behind a large hydrangea bush this evening he was quite invisible to passersby. In fact, the only T CHAPTER ONE ‘ 2 ‘ way he would be spotted was if his Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia stuck their heads out of the living room window and looked straight down into the flower bed below. On the whole, Harry thought he was to be congratulated on his idea of hiding here. He was not, perhaps, very comfortable lying on the hot, hard earth, but on the other hand, nobody was glaring at him, grinding their teeth so loudly that he could not hear the news, or shooting nasty questions at him, as had happened every time he had tried sitting down in the living room and watching television with his aunt and uncle. Almost as though this thought had fluttered through the open window, Vernon Dursley, Harry’s uncle, suddenly spoke. “Glad to see the boy’s stopped trying to butt in. Where is he anyway?” “I don’t know,” said Aunt Petunia unconcernedly. “Not in the house.” Uncle Vernon grunted. “Watching the news . . .” he said scathingly. “I’d like to know what he’s really up to. As if a normal boy cares what’s on the news — Dudley hasn’t got a clue what’s going on, doubt he knows who the Prime Minister is! Anyway, it’s not as if there’d be anything about his lot on our news —” “Vernon, shh!” said Aunt Petunia. “The window’s open!” “Oh — yes — sorry, dear . . .” The Dursleys fell silent. Harry listened to a jingle about Fruit ’N Bran breakfast cereal while he watched Mrs. Figg, a batty, cat-loving old lady from nearby Wisteria Walk, amble slowly past. She was frowning and muttering to herself. Harry was very pleased that he was concealed behind the bush; Mrs. Figg had recently taken to asking him around for tea whenever she met him in the street. She had rounded the corner and vanished from view before Uncle Vernon’s voice floated out of the window again. DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 3 ‘ “Dudders out for tea?” “At the Polkisses’,” said Aunt Petunia fondly. “He’s got so many little friends, he’s so popular . . .” Harry repressed a snort with difficulty. The Dursleys really were astonishingly stupid about their son, Dudley; they had swallowed all his dim-witted lies about having tea with a different member of his gang every night of the summer holidays. Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley had not been to tea anywhere; he and his gang spent every evening vandalizing the play park, smoking on street corners, and throwing stones at passing cars and children. Harry had seen them at it during his evening walks around Little Whinging; he had spent most of the holidays wandering the streets, scavenging newspapers from bins along the way. The opening notes of the music that heralded the seven o’clock news reached Harry’s ears and his stomach turned over. Perhaps tonight — after a month of waiting — would be the night — “Record numbers of stranded holidaymakers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers’ strike reaches its second week —” “Give ’em a lifelong siesta, I would,” snarled Uncle Vernon over the end of the newsreader’s sentence, but no matter: Outside in the flower bed, Harry’s stomach seemed to unclench. If anything had happened, it would surely have been the first item on the news; death and destruction were more important than stranded holidaymakers. . . . He let out a long, slow breath and stared up at the brilliant blue sky. Every day this summer had been the same: the tension, the expectation, the temporary relief, and then mounting tension again . . . and always, growing more insistent all the time, the question of why nothing had happened yet. . . . He kept listening, just in case there was some small clue, not recognized for what it really was by the Muggles — an unexplained disappearance, perhaps, or some strange accident . . . but the CHAPTER ONE ‘ 4 ‘ baggage-handlers’ strike was followed by news on the drought in the Southeast (“I hope he’s listening next door!” bellowed Uncle Vernon, “with his sprinklers on at three in the morning!”); then a helicopter that had almost crashed in a field in Surrey, then a famous actress’s divorce from her famous husband (“as if we’re interested in their sordid affairs,” sniffed Aunt Petunia, who had followed the case obsessively in every magazine she could lay her bony hands on). Harry closed his eyes against the now blazing evening sky as the newsreader said, “And finally, Bungy the budgie has found a novel way of keeping cool this summer. Bungy, who lives at the Five Feathers in Barnsley, has learned to water-ski! Mary Dorkins went to find out more. . . .” Harry opened his eyes again. If they had reached water-skiing budgerigars, there was nothing else worth hearing. He rolled cautiously onto his front and raised himself onto his knees and elbows, preparing to crawl out from under the window. He had moved about two inches when several things happened in very quick succession. A loud, echoing crack broke the sleepy silence like a gunshot; a cat streaked out from under a parked car and flew out of sight; a shriek, a bellowed oath, and the sound of breaking china came from the Dursleys’ living room, and as though Harry had been waiting for this signal, he jumped to his feet, at the same time pulling from the waistband of his jeans a thin wooden wand as if he were unsheathing a sword. But before he could draw himself up to full height, the top of his head collided with the Dursleys’ open window, and the resultant crash made Aunt Petunia scream even louder. Harry felt as if his head had been split in two; eyes streaming, he swayed, trying to focus on the street and spot the source of the noise, but he had barely staggered upright again when two large purple hands reached through the open window and closed tightly around his throat. DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 5 ‘ “Put — it — away!” Uncle Vernon snarled into Harry’s ear. “Now! Before — anyone — sees!” “Get — off — me!” Harry gasped; for a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncle’s sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wand. Then, as the pain in the top of Harry’s head gave a particularly nasty throb, Uncle Vernon yelped and released Harry as though he had received an electric shock — some invisible force seemed to have surged through his nephew, making him impossible to hold. Panting, Harry fell forward over the hydrangea bush, straightened up, and stared around. There was no sign of what had caused the loud cracking noise, but there were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent. “Lovely evening!” shouted Uncle Vernon, waving at Mrs. Number Seven, who was glaring from behind her net curtains. “Did you hear that car backfire just now? Gave Petunia and me quite a turn!” He continued to grin in a horrible, manic way until all the curious neighbors had disappeared from their various windows, then the grin became a grimace of rage as he beckoned Harry back toward him. Harry moved a few steps closer, taking care to stop just short of the point at which Uncle Vernon’s outstretched hands could resume their strangling. “What the devil do you mean by it, boy?” asked Uncle Vernon in a croaky voice that trembled with fury. “What do I mean by what?” said Harry coldly. He kept looking left and right up the street, still hoping to see the person who had made the cracking noise. “Making a racket like a starting pistol right outside our —” “I didn’t make that noise,” said Harry firmly. Aunt Petunia’s thin, horsey face now appeared beside Uncle Vernon’s wide, purple one. She looked livid. CHAPTER ONE ‘ 6 ‘ “Why were you lurking under our window?” “Yes — yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our window, boy?” “Listening to the news,” said Harry in a resigned voice. His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage. “Listening to the news! Again?” “Well, it changes every day, you see,” said Harry. “Don’t you be clever with me, boy! I want to know what you’re really up to — and don’t give me any more of this listening to the news tosh! You know perfectly well that your lot . . .” “Careful, Vernon!” breathed Aunt Petunia, and Uncle Vernon lowered his voice so that Harry could barely hear him, “. . . that your lot don’t get on our news!” “That’s all you know,” said Harry. The Dursleys goggled at him for a few seconds, then Aunt Petunia said, “You’re a nasty little liar. What are all those —” she too lowered her voice so that Harry had to lip-read the next word, “— owls — doing if they’re not bringing you news?” “Aha!” said Uncle Vernon in a triumphant whisper. “Get out of that one, boy! As if we didn’t know you get all your news from those pestilential birds!” Harry hesitated for a moment. It cost him something to tell the truth this time, even though his aunt and uncle could not possibly know how bad Harry felt at admitting it. “The owls . . . aren’t bringing me news,” said Harry tonelessly. “I don’t believe it,” said Aunt Petunia at once. “No more do I,” said Uncle Vernon forcefully. “We know you’re up to something funny,” said Aunt Petunia. “We’re not stupid, you know,” said Uncle Vernon. “Well, that’s news to me,” said Harry, his temper rising, and before the Dursleys could call him back, he had wheeled about, crossed the DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 7 ‘ front lawn, stepped over the low garden wall, and was striding off up the street. He was in trouble now and he knew it. He would have to face his aunt and uncle later and pay the price for his rudeness, but he did not care very much just at the moment; he had much more pressing matters on his mind. Harry was sure that the cracking noise had been made by someone Apparating or Disapparating. It was exactly the sound Dobby the house-elf made when he vanished into thin air. Was it possible that Dobby was here in Privet Drive? Could Dobby be following him right at this very moment? As this thought occurred he wheeled around and stared back down Privet Drive, but it appeared to be completely deserted again and Harry was sure that Dobby did not know how to become invisible. . . . He walked on, hardly aware of the route he was taking, for he had pounded these streets so often lately that his feet carried him to his favorite haunts automatically. Every few steps he glanced back over his shoulder. Someone magical had been near him as he lay among Aunt Petunias dying begonias, he was sure of it. Why hadn’t they spoken to him, why hadn’t they made contact, why were they hiding now? And then, as his feeling of frustration peaked, his certainty leaked away. Perhaps it hadn’t been a magical sound after all. Perhaps he was so desperate for the tiniest sign of contact from the world to which he belonged that he was simply overreacting to perfectly ordinary noises. Could he be sure it hadn’t been the sound of something breaking inside a neighbor’s house? Harry felt a dull, sinking sensation in his stomach and, before he knew it, the feeling of hopelessness that had plagued him all summer rolled over him once again. . . . Tomorrow morning he would be awoken by the alarm at five CHAPTER ONE ‘ 8 ‘ o’clock so that he could pay the owl that delivered the Daily Prophet — but was there any point in continuing to take it? Harry merely glanced at the front page before throwing it aside these days; when the idiots who ran the paper finally realized that Voldemort was back it would be headline news, and that was the only kind Harry cared about. If he was lucky, there would also be owls carrying letters from his best friends, Ron and Hermione, though any expectation he had had that their letters would bring him news had long since been dashed. “We can’t say much about you-know-what, obviously. . . .” “We’ve been told not to say anything important in case our letters go astray. . . .” “We’re quite busy but I can’t give you details here. . . .” “There’s a fair amount going on, we’ll tell you everything when we see you. . . .” But when were they going to see him? Nobody seemed too bothered with a precise date. Hermione had scribbled, “I expect we’ll be seeing you quite soon” inside his birthday card, but how soon was soon? As far as Harry could tell from the vague hints in their letters, Hermione and Ron were in the same place, presumably at Ron’s parents’ house. He could hardly bear to think of the pair of them having fun at the Burrow when he was stuck in Privet Drive. In fact, he was so angry at them that he had thrown both their birthday presents of Honeydukes chocolates away unopened, though he had regretted this after eating the wilting salad Aunt Petunia had provided for dinner that night. And what were Ron and Hermione busy with? Why wasn’t he, Harry, busy? Hadn’t he proved himself capable of handling much more than they? Had they all forgotten what he had done? Hadn’t it been he who had entered that graveyard and watched Cedric being murdered and been tied to that tombstone and nearly killed . . . ? Don’t think about that, Harry told himself sternly for the hundredth time that summer. It was bad enough that he kept revisiting the graveyard in his nightmares, without dwelling on it in his waking moments too. DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 9 ‘ He turned a corner into Magnolia Crescent; halfway along he passed the narrow alleyway down the side of a garage where he had first clapped eyes on his godfather. Sirius, at least, seemed to understand how Harry was feeling; admittedly his letters were just as empty of proper news as Ron and Hermione’s, but at least they contained words of caution and consolation instead of tantalizing hints: “I know this must be frustrating for you. . . .” “Keep your nose clean and everything will be okay. . . .” “Be careful and don’t do anything rash. . . .” Well, thought Harry, as he crossed Magnolia Crescent, turned into Magnolia Road, and headed toward the darkening play park, he had (by and large) done as Sirius advised; he had at least resisted the temptation to tie his trunk to his broomstick and set off for the Burrow by himself. In fact Harry thought his behavior had been very good considering how frustrated and angry he felt at being stuck in Privet Drive this long, reduced to hiding in flower beds in the hope of hearing something that might point to what Lord Voldemort was doing. Nevertheless, it was quite galling to be told not to be rash by a man who had served twelve years in the wizard prison, Azkaban, escaped, attempted to commit the murder he had been convicted for in the first place, then gone on the run with a stolen hippogriff. . . . Harry vaulted over the locked park gate and set off across the parched grass. The park was as empty as the surrounding streets. When he reached the swings he sank onto the only one that Dudley and his friends had not yet managed to break, coiled one arm around the chain, and stared moodily at the ground. He would not be able to hide in the Dursleys’ flower bed again. Tomorrow he would have to think of some fresh way of listening to the news. In the meantime, he had nothing to look forward to but another restless, disturbed night, because even when he escaped nightmares about Cedric he had unsettling dreams about long dark corridors, all finishing in dead ends and locked doors, which he supposed had something to do with the CHAPTER ONE ‘ 10 ‘ trapped feeling he had when he was awake. Often the old scar on his forehead prickled uncomfortably, but he did not fool himself that Ron or Hermione or Sirius would find that very interesting anymore. . . . In the past his scar hurting had warned that Voldemort was getting stronger again, but now that Voldemort was back they would probably remind him that its regular irritation was only to be expected. . . . Nothing to worry about . . . old news . . . The injustice of it all welled up inside him so that he wanted to yell with fury. If it hadn’t been for him, nobody would even have known Voldemort was back! And his reward was to be stuck in Little Whinging for four solid weeks, completely cut off from the magical world, reduced to squatting among dying begonias so that he could hear about water-skiing budgerigars! How could Dumbledore have forgotten him so easily? Why had Ron and Hermione got together without inviting him along too? How much longer was he supposed to endure Sirius telling him to sit tight and be a good boy; or resist the temptation to write to the stupid Daily Prophet and point out that Voldemort had returned? These furious thoughts whirled around in Harry’s head, and his insides writhed with anger as a sultry, velvety night fell around him, the air full of the smell of warm, dry grass and the only sound that of the low grumble of traffic on the road beyond the park railings. He did not know how long he had sat on the swing before the sound of voices interrupted his musings and he looked up. The streetlamps from the surrounding roads were casting a misty glow strong enough to silhouette a group of people making their way across the park. One of them was singing a loud, crude song. The others were laughing. A soft ticking noise came from several expensive racing bikes that they were wheeling along. Harry knew who those people were. The figure in front was unmistakably his cousin, Dudley Dursley, wending his way home, accompanied by his faithful gang. DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 11 ‘ Dudley was as vast as ever, but a year’s hard dieting and the discovery of a new talent had wrought quite a change in his physique. As Uncle Vernon delightedly told anyone who would listen, Dudley had recently become the Junior Heavyweight Inter-School Boxing Champion of the Southeast. “The noble sport,” as Uncle Vernon called it, had made Dudley even more formidable than he had seemed to Harry in the primary school days when he had served as Dudley’s first punching bag. Harry was not remotely afraid of his cousin anymore but he still didn’t think that Dudley learning to punch harder and more accurately was cause for celebration. Neighborhood children all around were terrified of him — even more terrified than they were of “that Potter boy,” who, they had been warned, was a hardened hooligan who attended St. Brutus’s Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys. Harry watched the dark figures crossing the grass and wondered whom they had been beating up tonight. Look round, Harry found himself thinking as he watched them. Come on . . . look round . . . I’m sitting here all alone. . . . Come and have ago. . . . If Dudley’s friends saw him sitting here, they would be sure to make a beeline for him, and what would Dudley do then? He wouldn’t want to lose face in front of the gang, but he’d be terrified of provoking Harry. . . . It would be really fun to watch Dudley’s dilemma; to taunt him, watch him, with him powerless to respond . . . and if any of the others tried hitting Harry, Harry was ready — he had his wand . . . let them try . . . He’d love to vent some of his frustration on the boys who had once made his life hell — But they did not turn around, they did not see him, they were almost at the railings. Harry mastered the impulse to call after them. . . . Seeking a fight was not a smart move. . . . He must not use magic. . . . He would be risking expulsion again. . . . Dudley’s gang’s voices died; they were out of sight, heading along Magnolia Road. CHAPTER ONE ‘ 12 ‘ There you go, Sirius, Harry thought dully. Nothing rash. Kept my nose clean. Exactly the opposite of what you’d have done . . . He got to his feet and stretched. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon seemed to feel that whenever Dudley turned up was the right time to be home, and anytime after that was much too late. Uncle Vernon had threatened to lock Harry in the shed if he came home after Dudley again, so, stifling a yawn, still scowling, Harry set off toward the park gate. Magnolia Road, like Privet Drive, was full of large, square houses with perfectly manicured lawns, all owned by large, square owners who drove very clean cars similar to Uncle Vernon’s. Harry preferred Little Whinging by night, when the curtained windows made patches of jewel-bright colors in the darkness and he ran no danger of hearing disapproving mutters about his “delinquent” appearance when he passed the householders. He walked quickly, so that halfway along Magnolia Road Dudley’s gang came into view again; they were saying their farewells at the entrance to Magnolia Crescent. Harry stepped into the shadow of a large lilac tree and waited. “. . . squealed like a pig, didn’t he?” Malcolm was saying, to guffaws from the others. “Nice right hook, Big D,” said Piers. “Same time tomorrow?” said Dudley. “Round at my place, my parents are out,” said Gordon. “See you then,” said Dudley. “Bye Dud!” “See ya, Big D!” Harry waited for the rest of the gang to move on before setting off again. When their voices had faded once more he headed around the corner into Magnolia Crescent and by walking very quickly he soon came within hailing distance of Dudley, who was strolling along at his ease, humming tunelessly. “Hey, Big D!” DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 13 ‘ Dudley turned. “Oh,” he grunted. “It’s you.” “How long have you been ‘Big D’ then?” said Harry. “Shut it,” snarled Dudley, turning away again. “Cool name,” said Harry, grinning and falling into step beside his cousin. “But you’ll always be Ickle Diddykins to me.” “I said, SHUT IT!” said Dudley, whose ham-like hands had curled into fists. “Don’t the boys know that’s what your mum calls you?” “Shut your face.” “You don’t tell her to shut her face. What about ‘popkin’ and ‘Dinky Diddydums,’ can I use them then?” Dudley said nothing. The effort of keeping himself from hitting Harry seemed to be demanding all his self-control. “So who’ve you been beating up tonight?” Harry asked, his grin fading. “Another ten-year-old? I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago —” “He was asking for it,” snarled Dudley. “Oh yeah?” “He cheeked me.” “Yeah? Did he say you look like a pig that’s been taught to walk on its hind legs? ’Cause that’s not cheek, Dud, that’s true . . .” A muscle was twitching in Dudley’s jaw. It gave Harry enormous satisfaction to know how furious he was making Dudley; he felt as though he was siphoning off his own frustration into his cousin, the only outlet he had. They turned right down the narrow alleyway where Harry had first seen Sirius and which formed a shortcut between Magnolia Crescent and Wisteria Walk. It was empty and much darker than the streets it linked because there were no streetlamps. Their footsteps were muffled between garage walls on one side and a high fence on the other. CHAPTER ONE ‘ 14 ‘ “Think you’re a big man carrying that thing, don’t you?” Dudley said after a few seconds. “What thing?” “That — that thing you’re hiding.” Harry grinned again. “Not as stupid as you look, are you, Dud? But I s’pose if you were, you wouldn’t be able to walk and talk at the same time. . . .” Harry pulled out his wand. He saw Dudley look sideways at it. “You’re not allowed,” Dudley said at once. “I know you’re not. You’d get expelled from that freak school you go to.” “How d’you know they haven’t changed the rules, Big D?” “They haven’t,” said Dudley, though he didn’t sound completely convinced. Harry laughed softly. “You haven’t got the guts to take me on without that thing, have you?” Dudley snarled. “Whereas you just need four mates behind you before you can beat up a ten-year-old. You know that boxing title you keep banging on about? How old was your opponent? Seven? Eight?” “He was sixteen for your information,” snarled Dudley, “and he was out cold for twenty minutes after I’d finished with him and he was twice as heavy as you. You just wait till I tell Dad you had that thing out —” “Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry’s wand?” “Not this brave at night, are you?” sneered Dudley. “This is night, Diddykins. That’s what we call it when it goes all dark like this.” “I mean when you’re in bed!” Dudley snarled. He had stopped walking. Harry stopped too, staring at his cousin. From the little he could see of Dudley’s large face, he was wearing a strangely triumphant look. “What d’you mean, I’m not brave in bed?” said Harry, completely DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 15 ‘ nonplussed. “What — am I supposed to be frightened of pillows or something?” “I heard you last night,” said Dudley breathlessly. “Talking in your sleep. Moaning.” “What d’you mean?” Harry said again, but there was a cold, plunging sensation in his stomach. He had revisited the graveyard last night in his dreams. Dudley gave a harsh bark of laughter then adopted a high-pitched, whimpering voice. “ ‘Don’t kill Cedric! Don’t kill Cedric!’ Who’s Cedric — your boyfriend?” “I — you’re lying —” said Harry automatically. But his mouth had gone dry. He knew Dudley wasn’t lying — how else would he know about Cedric? “ ‘Dad! Help me, Dad! He’s going to kill me, Dad! Boo-hoo!’ ” “Shut up,” said Harry quietly. “Shut up, Dudley, I’m warning you!” “ ‘Come and help me, Dad! Mum, come and help me! He’s killed Cedric! Dad, help me! He’s going to —’ Don’t you point that thing at me!” Dudley backed into the alley wall. Harry was pointing the wand directly at Dudley’s heart. Harry could feel fourteen years’ hatred of Dudley pounding in his veins — what wouldn’t he give to strike now, to jinx Dudley so thoroughly he’d have to crawl home like an insect, struck dumb, sprouting feelers — “Don’t ever talk about that again,” Harry snarled. “D’you understand me?” “Point that thing somewhere else!” “I said, do you understand me?” “Point it somewhere else!” “DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” “GET THAT THING AWAY FROM —” Dudley gave an odd, shuddering gasp, as though he had been doused in icy water. CHAPTER ONE ‘ 16 ‘ Something had happened to the night. The star-strewn indigo sky was suddenly pitch-black and lightless — the stars, the moon, the misty streetlamps at either end of the alley had vanished. The distant grumble of cars and the whisper of trees had gone. The balmy evening was suddenly piercingly, bitingly cold. They were surrounded by total, impenetrable, silent darkness, as though some giant hand had dropped a thick, icy mantle over the entire alleyway, blinding them. For a split second Harry thought he had done magic without meaning to, despite the fact that he’d been resisting as hard as he could — then his reason caught up with his senses — he didn’t have the power to turn off the stars. He turned his head this way and that, trying to see something, but the darkness pressed on his eyes like a weightless veil. Dudley’s terrified voice broke in Harry’s ear. “W-what are you d-doing? St-stop it!” “I’m not doing anything! Shut up and don’t move!” “I c-can’t see! I’ve g-gone blind! I —” “I said shut up!” Harry stood stock-still, turning his sightless eyes left and right. The cold was so intense that he was shivering all over; goose bumps had erupted up his arms, and the hairs on the back of his neck were standing up — he opened his eyes to their fullest extent, staring blankly around, unseeing . . . It was impossible. . . . They couldn’t be here. . . . Not in Little Whinging . . . He strained his ears. . . . He would hear them before he saw them. . . . “I’ll t-tell Dad!” Dudley whimpered. “W-where are you? What are you d-do — ?” “Will you shut up?” Harry hissed, “I’m trying to lis —” But he fell silent. He had heard just the thing he had been dreading. There was something in the alleyway apart from themselves, some- DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 17 ‘ thing that was drawing long, hoarse, rattling breaths. Harry felt a horrible jolt of dread as he stood trembling in the freezing air. “C-cut it out! Stop doing it! I’ll h-hit you, I swear I will!” “Dudley, shut —” WHAM! A fist made contact with the side of Harry’s head, lifting Harry off his feet. Small white lights popped in front of Harry’s eyes; for the second time in an hour he felt as though his head had been cleaved in two; next moment he had landed hard on the ground, and his wand had flown out of his hand. “You moron, Dudley!” Harry yelled, his eyes watering with pain, as he scrambled to his hands and knees, now feeling around frantically in the blackness. He heard Dudley blundering away, hitting the alley fence, stumbling. “DUDLEY, COME BACK! YOU’RE RUNNING RIGHT AT IT!” There was a horrible squealing yell, and Dudley’s footsteps stopped. At the same moment, Harry felt a creeping chill behind him that could mean only one thing. There was more than one. “DUDLEY, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! WHATEVER YOU DO, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Wand!” Harry muttered frantically, his hands flying over the ground like spiders. “Where’s — wand — come on — Lumos!” He said the spell automatically, desperate for light to help him in his search — and to his disbelieving relief, light flared inches from his right hand — the wand tip had ignited. Harry snatched it up, scrambled to his feet, and turned around. His stomach turned over. A towering, hooded figure was gliding smoothly toward him, hovering over the ground, no feet or face visible beneath its robes, sucking on the night as it came. Stumbling backward, Harry raised his wand. CHAPTER ONE ‘ 18 ‘ “Expecto Patronum!” A silvery wisp of vapor shot from the tip of the wand and the dementor slowed, but the spell hadn’t worked properly; tripping over his feet, Harry retreated farther as the dementor bore down upon him, panic fogging his brain — concentrate — A pair of gray, slimy, scabbed hands slid from inside the dementor’s robes, reaching for him. A rushing noise filled Harry’s ears. “Expecto Patronum!” His voice sounded dim and distant. . . . Another wisp of silver smoke, feebler than the last, drifted from the wand — he couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t work the spell — There was laughter inside his own head, shrill, high-pitched laughter. . . . He could smell the dementor’s putrid, death-cold breath, filling his own lungs, drowning him — Think . . . something happy. . . . But there was no happiness in him. . . . The dementor’s icy fingers were closing on his throat — the high-pitched laughter was growing louder and louder, and a voice spoke inside his head — “Bow to death, Harry. . . . It might even be painless. . . . I would not know. . . . I have never died. . . .” He was never going to see Ron and Hermione again — And their faces burst clearly into his mind as he fought for breath — “EXPECTO PATRONUM!” An enormous silver stag erupted from the tip of Harry’s wand; its antlers caught the dementor in the place where the heart should have been; it was thrown backward, weightless as darkness, and as the stag charged, the dementor swooped away, batlike and defeated. “THIS WAY!” Harry shouted at the stag. Wheeling around, he sprinted down the alleyway, holding the lit wand aloft. “DUDLEY? DUDLEY!” He had run barely a dozen steps when he reached them: Dudley was curled on the ground, his arms clamped over his face; a second de- DUDLEY DEMENTED ‘ 19 ‘ mentor was crouching low over him, gripping his wrists in its slimy hands, prizing them slowly, almost lovingly apart, lowering its hooded head toward Dudley’s face as though about to kiss him. . . . “GET IT!” Harry bellowed, and with a rushing, roaring sound, the silver stag he had conjured came galloping back past him. The dementor’s eyeless face was barely an inch from Dudley’s when the silver antlers caught it; the thing was thrown up into the air and, like its fellow, it soared away and was absorbed into the darkness. The stag cantered to the end of the alleyway and dissolved into silver mist. Moon, stars, and streetlamps burst back into life. A warm breeze swept the alleyway. Trees rustled in neighboring gardens and the mundane rumble of cars in Magnolia Crescent filled the air again. Harry stood quite still, all his senses vibrating, taking in the abrupt return to normality. After a moment he became aware that his T-shirt was sticking to him; he was drenched in sweat. He could not believe what had just happened. Dementors here, in Little Whinging . . . Dudley lay curled up on the ground, whimpering and shaking. Harry bent down to see whether he was in a fit state to stand up, but then heard loud, running footsteps behind him; instinctively raising his wand again, he spun on his heel to face the newcomer. Mrs. Figg, their batty old neighbor, came panting into sight. Her grizzled gray hair was escaping from its hairnet, a clanking string shopping bag was swinging from her wrist, and her feet were halfway out of her tartan carpet slippers. Harry made to stow his wand hurriedly out of sight, but — “Don’t put it away, idiot boy!” she shrieked. “What if there are more of them around? Oh, I’m going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!” C H A P T E R T W O ‘ 20 ‘ A PECK OF OWLS hat?” said Harry blankly. “He left!” said Mrs. Figg, wringing her hands. “Left to see someone about a batch of cauldrons that fell off the back of a broom! I told him I’d flay him alive if he went, and now look! Dementors! It’s just lucky I put Mr. Tibbies on the case! But we haven’t got time to stand around! Hurry, now, we’ve got to get you back! Oh, the trouble this is going to cause! I will kill him!” “But —” The revelation that his batty old cat-obsessed neighbor knew what dementors were was almost as big a shock to Harry as meeting two of them down the alleyway. “You’re — you’re a witch?” “I’m a Squib, as Mundungus knows full well, so how on earth was I supposed to help you fight off dementors? He left you completely without cover when I warned him —” “This bloke Mundungus has been following me? Hang on — it was him! He Disapparated from the front of my house!” “Yes, yes, yes, but luckily I’d stationed Mr. Tibbies under a car just in case, and Mr. Tibbies came and warned me, but by the time I got W A PECK OF OWLS ‘ 21 ‘ to your house you’d gone — and now — oh, what’s Dumbledore going to say? You!” she shrieked at Dudley, still supine on the alley floor. “Get your fat bottom off the ground, quick!” “You know Dumbledore?” said Harry, staring at her. “Of course I know Dumbledore, who doesn’t know Dumbledore? But come on — I’ll be no help if they come back, I’ve never so much as Transfigured a teabag —” She stooped down, seized one of Dudley’s massive arms in her wizened hands, and tugged. “Get up, you useless lump, get up!” But Dudley either could not or would not move. He was still on the ground, trembling and ashen-faced, his mouth shut very tight. “I’ll do it.” Harry took hold of Dudley’s arm and heaved: With an enormous effort he managed to hoist Dudley to his feet. Dudley seemed to be on the point of fainting: His small eyes were rolling in their sockets and sweat was beading his face; the moment Harry let go of him he swayed dangerously. “Hurry up!” said Mrs. Figg hysterically. Harry pulled one of Dudley’s massive arms around his own shoulders and dragged him toward the road, sagging slightly under his weight. Mrs. Figg tottered along in front of them, peering anxiously around the corner. “Keep your wand out,” she told Harry, as they entered Wisteria Walk. “Never mind the Statute of Secrecy now, there’s going to be hell to pay anyway, we might as well be hanged for a dragon as an egg. Talk about the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery . . . This was exactly what Dumbledore was afraid of — what’s that at the end of the street? Oh, it’s just Mr. Prentice. . . . Don’t put your wand away, boy, don’t I keep telling you I’m no use?” It was not easy to hold a wand steady and carry Dudley along at the same time. Harry gave his cousin an impatient dig in the ribs, but Dudley seemed to have lost all desire for independent movement. He CHAPTER TWO ‘ 22 ‘ was slumped on Harry’s shoulder, his large feet dragging along the ground. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re a Squib?” Harry asked Mrs. Figg, panting with the effort to keep walking. “All those times I came round your house — why didn’t you say anything?” “Dumbledore’s orders. I was to keep an eye on you but not say anything, you were too young. I’m sorry I gave you such a miserable time, but the Dursleys would never have let you come if they’d thought you enjoyed it. It wasn’t easy, you know. . . . But oh my word,” she said tragically, wringing her hands once more, “when Dumbledore hears about this — how could Mundungus have left, he was supposed to be on duty until midnight — where is he? How am I going to tell Dumbledore what’s happened, I can’t Apparate —” “I’ve got an owl, you can borrow her,” Harry groaned, wondering whether his spine was going to snap under Dudley’s weight. “Harry, you don’t understand! Dumbledore will need to act as quickly as possible, the Ministry have their own ways of detecting underage magic, they’ll know already, you mark my words —” “But I was getting rid of dementors, I had to use magic — they’re going to be more worried what dementors were doing floating around Wisteria Walk, surely?” “Oh my dear, I wish it were so but I’m afraid — MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!” There was a loud crack and a strong smell of mingled drink and stale tobacco filled the air as a squat, unshaven man in a tattered overcoat materialized right in front of them. He had short bandy legs, long straggly ginger hair, and bloodshot baggy eyes that gave him the doleful look of a basset hound; he was also clutching a silvery bundle that Harry recognized at once as an Invisibility Cloak. “ ’S’ up, Figgy?” he said, staring from Mrs. Figg to Harry and Dudley. “What ’appened to staying undercover?” A PECK OF OWLS ‘ 23 ‘ “I’ll give you undercover!” cried Mrs. Figg. “Dementors, you useless, skiving sneak thief!” “Dementors?” repeated Mundungus, aghast. “Dementors here?” “Yes, here, you worthless pile of bat droppings, here!” shrieked Mrs. Figg. “Dementors attacking the boy on your watch!” “Blimey,” said Mundungus weakly, looking from Mrs. Figg to Harry and back again. “Blimey, I . . .” “And you off buying stolen cauldrons! Didn’t I tell you not to go? Didn’t I?” “I — well, I —” Mundungus looked deeply uncomfortable. “It . . . it was a very good business opportunity, see . . .” Mrs. Figg raised the arm from which her string bag dangled and whacked Mundungus around the face and neck with it; judging by the clanking noise it made it was full of cat food. “Ouch — gerroff — gerroff, you mad old bat! Someone’s gotta tell Dumbledore!” “Yes — they — have!” yelled Mrs. Figg, still swinging the bag of cat food at every bit of Mundungus she could reach. “And — it — had — better — be — you — and — you — can — tell — him — why — you — weren’t — there — to — help!” “Keep your ’airnet on!” said Mundungus, his arms over his head, cowering. “I’m going, I’m going!” And with another loud crack, he vanished. “I hope Dumbledore murders him!” said Mrs. Figg furiously. “Now come on, Harry, what are you waiting for?” Harry decided not to waste his remaining breath on pointing out that he could barely walk under Dudley’s bulk. He gave the semiconscious Dudley a heave and staggered onward. “I’ll take you to the door,” said Mrs. Figg, as they turned into Privet Drive. “Just in case there are more of them around. . . . Oh my word, what a catastrophe . . . and you had to fight them off yourself . . . and CHAPTER TWO ‘ 24 ‘ Dumbledore said we were to keep you from doing magic at all costs. . . . Well, it’s no good crying over spilled potion, I suppose . . . but the cat’s among the pixies now . . .” “So,” Harry panted, “Dumbledore’s . . . been having . . . me followed?” “Of course he has,” said Mrs. Figg impatiently. “Did you expect him to let you wander around on your own after what happened in June? Good Lord, boy, they told me you were intelligent. . . . Right . . . get inside and stay there,” she said as they reached number four. “I expect someone will be in touch with you soon enough.” “What are you going to do?” asked Harry quickly. “I’m going straight home,” said Mrs. Figg, staring around the dark street and shuddering. “I’ll need to wait for more instructions. Just stay in the house. Good night.” “Hang on, don’t go yet! I want to know —” But Mrs. Figg had already set off at a trot, carpet slippers flopping, string bag clanking. “Wait!” Harry shouted after her; he had a million questions to ask anyone who was in contact with Dumbledore; but within seconds Mrs. Figg was swallowed by the darkness. Scowling, Harry readjusted Dudley on his shoulder and made his slow, painful way up number four’s garden path. The hall light was on. Harry stuck his wand back inside the waistband of his jeans, rang the bell, and watched Aunt Petunia’s outline grow larger and larger, oddly distorted by the rippling glass in the front door. “Diddy! About time too, I was getting quite — quite — Diddy, what’s the matter?” Harry looked sideways at Dudley and ducked out from under his arm just in time. Dudley swayed for a moment on the spot, his face pale green, then he opened his mouth at last and vomited all over the doormat. A PECK OF OWLS ‘ 25 ‘ “DIDDY! Diddy, what’s the matter with you? Vernon? VERNON!” Harry’s uncle came galumphing out of the living room, walrus mustache blowing hither and thither as it always did when he was agitated. He hurried forward to help Aunt Petunia negotiate a weak-kneed Dudley over the threshold while avoiding stepping in the pool of sick. “He’s ill, Vernon!” “What is it, son? What’s happened? Did Mrs. Polkiss give you something foreign for tea?” “Why are you all covered in dirt, darling? Have you been lying on the ground?” “Hang on — you haven’t been mugged, have you, son?” Aunt Petunia screamed. “Phone the police, Vernon! Phone the police! Diddy, darling, speak to Mummy! What did they do to you?” In all the kerfuffle, nobody seemed to have noticed Harry, which suited him perfectly. He managed to slip inside just before Uncle Vernon slammed the door and while the Dursleys made their noisy progress down the hall toward the kitchen, Harry moved carefully and quietly toward the stairs. “Who did it, son? Give us names. We’ll get them, don’t worry.” “Shh! He’s trying to say something, Vernon! What is it, Diddy? Tell Mummy!” Harry’s foot was on the bottommost stair when Dudley found his voice. “Him.” Harry froze, foot on the stair, face screwed up, braced for the explosion. “BOY! COME HERE!” With a feeling of mingled dread and anger, Harry removed his foot slowly from the stair and turned to follow the Dursleys. The scrupulously clean kitchen had an oddly unreal glitter after the darkness outside. Aunt Petunia was ushering Dudley into a chair; he CHAPTER TWO ‘ 26 ‘ was still very green and clammy looking. Uncle Vernon was standing in front of the draining board, glaring at Harry through tiny, narrowed eyes. “What have you done to my son?” he said in a menacing growl. “Nothing,” said Harry, knowing perfectly well that Uncle Vernon wouldn’t believe him. “What did he do to you, Diddy?” Aunt Petunia said in a quavering voice, now sponging sick from the front of Dudley’s leather jacket. “Was it — was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use — his thing?” Slowly, tremulously, Dudley nodded. “I didn’t!” Harry said sharply, as Aunt Petunia let out a wail and Uncle Vernon raised his fists. “I didn’t do anything to him, it wasn’t me, it was —” But at that precise moment a screech owl swooped in through the kitchen window. Narrowly missing the top of Uncle Vernon’s head, it soared across the kitchen, dropped the large parchment envelope it was carrying in its beak at Harry’s feet, and turned gracefully, the tips of its wings just brushing the top of the fridge, then zoomed outside again and off across the garden. “OWLS!” bellowed Uncle Vernon, the well-worn vein in his temple pulsing angrily as he slammed the kitchen window shut. “OWLS AGAIN! I WILL NOT HAVE ANY MORE OWLS IN MY HOUSE!” But Harry was already ripping open the envelope and pulling out the letter inside, his heart pounding somewhere in the region of his Adam’s apple. Dear Mr. Potter, We have received intelligence that you performed the Patronus Charm at twenty-three minutes past nine this evening in a Muggle-inhabited area and in the presence of a Muggle. The severity of this breach of the Decree for the Reason- A PECK OF OWLS ‘ 27 ‘ able Restriction of Underage Sorcery has resulted in your expulsion from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your wand. As you have already received an official warning for a previous offense under section 13 of the International Confederation of Wizards’ Statute of Secrecy, we regret to inform you that your presence is required at a disciplinary hearing at the Ministry of Magic at 9 a.m. on August 12th. Hoping you are well, Yours sincerely, improper use of magic office Ministry of Magic Harry read the letter through twice. He was only vaguely aware of Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia talking in the vicinity. Inside his head, all was icy and numb. One fact had penetrated his consciousness like a paralyzing dart. He was expelled from Hogwarts. It was all over. He was never going back. He looked up at the Dursleys. Uncle Vernon was purple-faced, shouting, his fists still raised; Aunt Petunia had her arms around Dudley, who was retching again. Harry’s temporarily stupefied brain seemed to reawaken. Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your wand. There was only one thing for it. He would have to run — now. Where he was going to go, Harry didn’t know, but he was certain of one thing: At Hogwarts or outside it, he needed his wand. In an almost dreamlike state, he pulled his wand out and turned to leave the kitchen. CHAPTER TWO ‘ 28 ‘ “Where d’you think you’re going?” yelled Uncle Vernon. When Harry didn’t reply, he pounded across the kitchen to block the doorway into the hall. “I haven’t finished with you, boy!” “Get out of the way,” said Harry quietly. “You’re going to stay here and explain how my son —” “If you don’t get out of the way I’m going to jinx you,” said Harry, raising the wand. “You can’t pull that one on me!” snarled Uncle Vernon. “I know you’re not allowed to use it outside that madhouse you call a school!” “The madhouse has chucked me out,” said Harry. “So I can do whatever I like. You’ve got three seconds. One — two —” A resounding CRACK filled the kitchen; Aunt Petunia screamed, Uncle Vernon yelled and ducked, but for the third time that night Harry was staring for the source of a disturbance he had not made. He spotted it at once: A dazed and ruffled-looking barn owl was sitting outside on the kitchen sill, having just collided with the closed window. Ignoring Uncle Vernon’s anguished yell of “OWLS!” Harry crossed the room at a run and wrenched the window open again. The owl stuck out its leg, to which a small roll of parchment was tied, shook its feathers, and took off the moment Harry had pulled off the letter. Hands shaking, Harry unfurled the second message, which was written very hastily and blotchily in black ink. Harry — Dumbledore’s just arrived at the Ministry, and he’s trying to sort it all out. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE’S HOUSE. DO NOT DO ANY MORE MAGIC. DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR WAND. A PECK OF OWLS ‘ 29 ‘ Dumbledore was trying to sort it all out. . . . What did that mean? How much power did Dumbledore have to override the Ministry of Magic? Was there a chance that he might be allowed back to Hogwarts, then? A small shoot of hope burgeoned in Harry’s chest, almost immediately strangled by panic — how was he supposed to refuse to surrender his wand without doing magic? He’d have to duel with the Ministry representatives, and if he did that, he’d be lucky to escape Azkaban, let alone expulsion. His mind was racing. . . . He could run for it and risk being captured by the Ministry, or stay put and wait for them to find him here. He was much more tempted by the former course, but he knew that Mr. Weasley had his best interests at heart . . . and, after all, Dumbledore had sorted out much worse than this before. . . . “Right,” Harry said, “I’ve changed my mind, I’m staying.” He flung himself down at the kitchen table and faced Dudley and Aunt Petunia. The Dursleys appeared taken aback at his abrupt change of mind. Aunt Petunia glanced despairingly at Uncle Vernon. The vein in Uncle Vernon’s purple temple was throbbing worse than ever. “Who are all these ruddy owls from?” he growled. “The first one was from the Ministry of Magic, expelling me,” said Harry calmly; he was straining his ears to catch noises outside in case the Ministry representatives were approaching, and it was easier and quieter to answer Uncle Vernon’s questions than to have him start raging and bellowing. “The second one was from my friend Ron’s dad, he works at the Ministry.” “Ministry of Magic?” bellowed Uncle Vernon. “People like you in government? Oh this explains everything, everything, no wonder the country’s going to the dogs. . . .” When Harry did not respond, Uncle Vernon glared at him, then spat, “And why have you been expelled?” CHAPTER TWO ‘ 30 ‘ “Because I did magic.” “AHA!” roared Uncle Vernon, slamming his fist down on the top of the fridge, which sprang open; several of Dudley’s low-fat snacks toppled out and burst on the floor. “So you admit it! What did you do to Dudley?” “Nothing,” said Harry, slightly less calmly. “That wasn’t me —” “Was,” muttered Dudley unexpectedly, and Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia instantly made flapping gestures at Harry to quiet him while they both bent low over Dudley. “Go on, son,” said Uncle Vernon, “what did he do?” “Tell us, darling,” whispered Aunt Petunia. “Pointed his wand at me,” Dudley mumbled. “Yeah, I did, but I didn’t use —” Harry began angrily, but . . . “SHUT UP!” roared Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia in unison. “Go on, son,” repeated Uncle Vernon, mustache blowing about furiously. “All dark,” Dudley said hoarsely, shuddering. “Everything dark. And then I h-heard . . . things. Inside m-my head . . .” Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia exchanged looks of utter horror. If their least favorite thing in the world was magic, closely followed by neighbors who cheated more than they did on the hosepipe ban, people who heard voices were definitely in the bottom ten. They obviously thought Dudley was losing his mind. “What sort of things did you hear, popkin?” breathed Aunt Petunia, very white-faced and with tears in her eyes. But Dudley seemed incapable of saying. He shuddered again and shook his large blond head, and despite the sense of numb dread that had settled on Harry since the arrival of the first owl, he felt a certain curiosity. Dementors caused a person to relive the worst moments of their life. . . . What would spoiled, pampered, bullying Dudley have been forced to hear? “How come you fell over, son?” said Uncle Vernon in an unnatu- A PECK OF OWLS ‘ 31 ‘ rally quiet voice, the kind of voice he would adopt at the bedside of a very ill person. “T-tripped,” said Dudley shakily. “And then —” He gestured at his massive chest. Harry understood: Dudley was remembering the clammy cold that filled the lungs as hope and happiness were sucked out of you. “Horrible,” croaked Dudley. “Cold. Really cold.” “Okay,” said Uncle Vernon in a voice of forced calm, while Aunt Petunia laid an anxious hand on Dudley’s forehead to feel his temperature. “What happened then, Dudders?” “Felt . . . felt . . . felt . . . as if. . . as if . . .” “As if you’d never be happy again,” Harry supplied tonelessly. “Yes,” Dudley whispered, still trembling. “So,” said Uncle Vernon, voice restored to full and considerable volume as he straightened up. “So you put some crackpot spell on my son so he’d hear voices and believe he was — was doomed to misery, or something, did you?” “How many times do I have to tell you?” said Harry, temper and voice rising together. “It wasn’t me! It was a couple of dementors!” “A couple of— what’s this codswallop?” “De — men — tors,” said Harry slowly and clearly. “Two of them.” “And what the ruddy hell are dementors?” “They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban,” said Aunt Petunia. Two seconds’ ringing silence followed these words and then Aunt Petunia clapped her hand over her mouth as though she had let slip a disgusting swear word. Uncle Vernon was goggling at her. Harry’s brain reeled. Mrs. Figg was one thing — but Aunt Petunia? “How d’you know that?” he asked her, astonished. Aunt Petunia looked quite appalled with herself. She glanced at Uncle Vernon in fearful apology, then lowered her hand slightly to reveal her horsey teeth. CHAPTER TWO ‘ 32 ‘ “I heard — that awful boy — telling her about them — years ago,” she said jerkily. “If you mean my mum and dad, why don’t you use their names?” said Harry loudly, but Aunt Petunia ignored him. She seemed horribly flustered. Harry was stunned. Except for one outburst years ago, in the course of which Aunt Petunia had screamed that Harry’s mother had been a freak, he had never heard her mention her sister. He was astounded that she had remembered this scrap of information about the magical world for so long, when she usually put all her energies into pretending it didn’t exist. Uncle Vernon opened his mouth, closed it again, opened it once more, shut it, then, apparently struggling to remember how to talk, opened it for a third time and croaked, “So — so — they — er — they — er — they actually exist, do they — er — dementy-whatsits?” Aunt Petunia nodded. Uncle Vernon looked from Aunt Petunia to Dudley to Harry as if hoping somebody was going to shout “April Fool!” When nobody did, he opened his mouth yet again, but was spared the struggle to find more words by the arrival of the third owl of the evening, which zoomed through the still-open window like a feathery cannonball and landed with a clatter on the kitchen table, causing all three of the Dursleys to jump with fright. Harry tore a second official-looking envelope from the owl’s beak and ripped it open as the owl swooped back out into the night. “Enough — effing — owls . . .” muttered Uncle Vernon distractedly, stomping over to the window and slamming it shut again. Dear Mr. Potter, Further to our letter of approximately twenty-two minutes ago, the Ministry of Magic has revised its decision to destroy your wand forthwith. You may retain your wand until your A PECK OF OWLS ‘ 33 ‘ disciplinary hearing on 12th August, at which time an official decision will be taken. Following discussions with the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the Ministry has agreed that the question of your expulsion will also be decided at that time. You should therefore consider yourself suspended from school pending further inquiries. With best wishes, Yours sincerely, improper use of magic office Ministry of Magic Harry read this letter through three times in quick succession. The miserable knot in his chest loosened slightly at the thought that he was not definitely expelled, though his fears were by no means banished. Everything seemed to hang on this hearing on the twelfth of August. “Well?” said Uncle Vernon, recalling Harry to his surroundings. “What now? Have they sentenced you to anything? Do your lot have the death penalty?” he added as a hopeful afterthought. “I’ve got to go to a hearing,” said Harry. “And they’ll sentence you there?” “I suppose so.” “I won’t give up hope, then,” said Uncle Vernon nastily. “Well, if that’s all,” said Harry, getting to his feet. He was desperate to be alone, to think, perhaps to send a letter to Ron, Hermione, or Sirius. “NO, IT RUDDY WELL IS NOT ALL!” bellowed Uncle Vernon. “SIT BACK DOWN!” CHAPTER TWO ‘ 34 ‘ “What now?” said Harry impatiently. “DUDLEY!” roared Uncle Vernon. “I want to know exactly what happened to my son!” “FINE!” yelled Harry, and in his temper, red and gold sparks shot out of the end of his wand, still clutched in his hand. All three Dursleys flinched, looking terrified. “Dudley and I were in the alleyway between Magnolia Crescent and Wisteria Walk,” said Harry, speaking fast, fighting to control his temper. “Dudley thought he’d be smart with me, I pulled out my wand but didn’t use it. Then two dementors turned up —” “But what ARE dementoids?” asked Uncle Vernon furiously. “What do they DO?” “I told you — they suck all the happiness out of you,” said Harry, “and if they get the chance, they kiss you —” “Kiss you?” said Uncle Vernon, his eyes popping slightly. “Kiss you?” “It’s what they call it when they suck the soul out of your mouth.” Aunt Petunia uttered a soft scream. “His soul? They didn’t take — he’s still got his —” She seized Dudley by the shoulders and shook him, as though testing to see whether she could hear his soul rattling around inside him. “Of course they didn’t get his soul, you’d know if they had,” said Harry, exasperated. “Fought ’em off, did you, son?” said Uncle Vernon loudly, with the appearance of a man struggling to bring the conversation back onto a plane he understood. “Gave ’em the old one-two, did you?” “You can’t give a dementor the old one-two,” said Harry through clenched teeth. “Why’s he all right, then?” blustered Uncle Vernon. “Why isn’t he all empty, then?” “Because I used the Patronus —” WHOOSH. With a clattering, a whirring of wings, and a soft fall of dust, a fourth owl came shooting out of the kitchen fireplace. A PECK OF OWLS ‘ 35 ‘ “FOR GOD’S SAKE!” roared Uncle Vernon, pulling great clumps of hair out of his mustache, something he hadn’t been driven to in a long time. “I WILL NOT HAVE OWLS HERE, I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS, I TELL YOU!” But Harry was already pulling a roll of parchment from the owl’s leg. He was so convinced that this letter had to be from Dumbledore, explaining everything — the dementors, Mrs. Figg, what the Ministry was up to, how he, Dumbledore, inte

$2

Micah White (Shrek 2)

1. 1 INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (OS) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. (enters gallantly onstage) It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. (looks at the audience) And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... (pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps) WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING (relieved) Thank heavens. Where is she? 2. WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2 SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY (offstage) One is the loneliest number that you ever do... (enters) Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. (looks around for the fish) SHREK 3. Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? (giggles) Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY 4. I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER (clears throat) "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? 5. FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA (exasperated sigh) So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. 3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage. GINGY (walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’) Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. 6. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA 7. No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK (mimics) Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far -- (softly) away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK (groans) Are we there yet? 8. FIONA (chuckles) Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit. 4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4 MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. (exits) SHREK (chuckles) So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN 9. Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA 10. to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. (chuckles nervously) 5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5 DONKEY (off-stage) What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. (enters) What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK 11. Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY (laughing) What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. 6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING 12. Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying. 7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7 FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) 13. Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp. FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters. FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters. SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. 14. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? 15. SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. (exits) DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" 8 INT. KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER 8 KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN 16. Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG (out on the balcony) Hello, Harold. KING gasps. QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FC We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. (yawns) Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? 17. (Bumps up against two armed guards) Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters. KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. (GUARD reaches into his pocket) You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING (gasps) What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG. FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... 18. CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks. (hangs up) We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING (sighs deeply) Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 9 INT. AT A PUB IN THE WOODS 9 KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING (clears throat) 19. Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself. KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room. KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? (holds up a heavy satchel of coins) VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 20. 10 INT. CASTLE 10 SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (OFFSTAGE) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door. KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING 21. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. FADE OUT: 11 EXT. IN THE FOREST 11 SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY 22. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring. SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters. PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand. PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! (coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles) Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! 23. SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY 24. Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to (Puss steps on his foot) Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart. KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ (yawns) FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly. FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you (notices SHREK) What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. 25. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions. SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. (exits) SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS. PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK 26. That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? (looks in the cart) Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. 12 INT. THE ROYAL CASTLE 12 QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. 27. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA 28. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. 13 EXT. FOREST 13 SHREK (reading the potion) "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? (sniffs the potion and sneezes) DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 29. SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then he farts. DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Thunder cracks and he passes out DONKEY Shrek! Black out. FADE IN: FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA 30. Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses. KING Fiona! 14 INT. IN THE BARN - MORNING 14 SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! (sees his reflection in the pale) Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! (moves in closer) I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? 31. SHREK looks around confused. SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS. DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... 32. SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY (Bashful) Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps. 15 EXT. THE CASTLE GATE 15 GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams. SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. 33. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA (looking at PUSS) Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG (blocks his exit with her wand) Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters. CHARMING Fiona? 34. FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter. QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING (showing off outfit) Do you think so? (laughs) Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? (Hugs FIONA) SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. (sighs deeply) Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. 35. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves. 16 INT. THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN 16 SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that goodlooking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was 36. carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING 37. No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG AND CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! (pulls out a magical potion from her bag) Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG 38. The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit. 17 INT. THE CASTLE 17 The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. (reached for one of the tea cups) KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA 39. (drinking from the other cup) Thanks. 18 INT. THE DUNGEON 18 DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing LADIES' UNDERWEAR!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO 40. I most certainly am not! (his nose grows) DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY (looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s LEDERHOSEN) IT'S A THONG! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. (picks the lock WITH PINOCHIO’S NOSE) SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! (nose shrinks back down) 41. GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! 19 INT. THE ROYAL BALL 19 ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience. FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG (Sotto Voce) Play something! Now! (turns to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE 42. Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar. GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD. DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits. PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW. SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. 43. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter. DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA. SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp. SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace. FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. 44. CHARMING (snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG) Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad! (sobbing) PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog. QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? 45. KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. UEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes. PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, (SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him) with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! (sobs) Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA. SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. FADE OUT: Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY 46. Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE THE END.

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$2

Lebron James

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$1

Jack de Boer

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